


The Hardest Part

by Mcdimplesbaby



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 18:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8171521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mcdimplesbaby/pseuds/Mcdimplesbaby
Summary: Set midway through the court battle, Season 12. Arizona quickly realises what her life is about to become. Can she overcome her own emotions and watch her daughter grow up.





	1. Chapter 1

The Hardest Part: Chapter One

Darkness. Four walls, and complete darkness was the only thing that felt remotely real right now. As Arizona tried to control her breathing, her heart pounded out of her chest. She had cried, she had let her anger consume her, and now, she felt nothing at all. Nothing.

Sat on the edge of the bunk in an on call room, she tapped her fingers against her thigh the last 7 years of her life repeatedly flashing before her eyes. Nothing was how it used to be. Nothing had been the same for some time but, in this exact moment, she wondered if anything had ever been real. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she couldn't feel. Feeling like she was merely a bystander, watching her life go by in someone else's body, she felt numb.

Never had she felt the burning pain searing through her like it was right now. How can someone be so numb, yet feel so much pain. Africa, the gunman, the car crash, the premature birth of her daughter, the plane crash, the loss of her leg, the cheating, and the inevitable demise of her marriage had all deeply hurt, but none of it had hit her as much as the last few hours of her life.

Feeling a slight need to move, to leave the space she had spent almost an hour glued to, she stood. Removing her white lab coat, and draping it over a chair near to the window, Arizona opened the on call room door, and left.

Glancing around as she made her way down the corridor of her Ped’s floor, the blonde felt nothing. Colleagues passed by with a number of 'Hello's' and 'How are you's' but it meant nothing. Arizona didn't even respond. Grabbing her purse and her jacket from her office, she took one look around, and made her way to the elevator.

The elevator ride felt like it would never end. Standing with her back to the wall, she watched as the doors opened on every floor but the one she required. Staff talking around her to one another, she heard nothing. Nothing but a mumble which left her feeling like she was underwater. The carriage finally reaching the ground floor, Arizona stepped out, took a moment to centre herself, and exited the building.

Standing outside, and looking towards the parking lot, the blonde felt the cold Seattle air rip through her body. It felt good, the shiver it sent through her being let her know that she was still alive. It let her know that despite everything that had transpired in the last five hours, she was still here, breathing.

Feeling a warm hand on her shoulder, Arizona flinched. She didn't turn around, and she didn't speak, she just stood, motionless.

"Hey, you okay?" Alex Karev had a look of worry on his face. Receiving no reply from the blonde, Alex tried to meet her gaze. "Robbins?" 

Turning around, she looked into the eyes of the taller man standing before her. Her face, void of any emotion, her body, void of any feeling. "Goodbye, Alex."

"Wait, Arizona!" Alex called throughout the parking lot as he watched his boss walk away. "Robbins!!" He knew she was hurting, and he knew that what had happened only hours ago would take a huge part of the blonde. He also knew that she was the strongest person he had ever come across.

"I'll see you tomorrow, right?" Karev waited for something, anything, but it never came. Arizona climbed into her car, turned the key in the ignition, and drove away.

——————————————————————————————————————————————------------------------------------------------ 

Driving through the streets of Seattle, Arizona felt the sting of old tears burn as the lights flickered through swollen deep blue orbs. She needed to get to her safe place, her home, and as she continued on down the street that would lead her to her destination, a certain persons words shot through her mind.

“You’re not anything, you’re nothing"

Mark Sloan’s words had never sounded more real, or more true right now. His voice continued to sound throughout her mind, and as she reached her home, she slammed on her brake. “You’re not anything, you’re nothing.”

Tightening her grip on her steering wheel, she furrowed her brow. Determined not to let any more tears fall, she concentrated her vision on a spot on the dashboard. Fuck off Mark.

The tears fell, hard and fast. Never had she listened to the words her daughter’s father had spoken, and never had she let them get to her. Right now though, her mind was in overdrive, and she wondered if it was true. Was she anything to Sofia? Was she a fool to ever stay and stand by Callie? She knew what she was thinking was wrong, but everything was so messed up, and her mind wouldn't allow her to think of anything else.

Never had she felt so hurt, and so alone. Yes, she had her friends around her, but truthfully, they had no idea what she was going through. She knew the main reason for Callie walking away was because of her inability to control herself when temptation became too much, but she couldn't apologise anymore than she already had.

She had promised to do everything she could to make it up to the brunette, but nothing ever seemed enough. Having finally found herself again, and rebuilding their relationship, or so she thought, it all turned to crap. It hurt, and it hurt more than she ever thought it could.

Her life had changed, and nothing, no matter how hard she tried, would ever be the same. If she could change what had happened in the past, she would, but she couldn't, and now, she was sat outside her home, with no one but herself. She knew what she needed to do, it was just a case of physically removing herself from her car, and putting her plan into action. 

——————————————————————————————————————————————---------------------------------------------------- 

Finally stepping inside her home, it was cold and dark. Colder than usual, and she knew that was because she had lost everything. That was what she would tell herself for now, but in her heart, she knew that she had not only lost everything, but she had also given up. What’s the fucking point. Arizona stood in her dark living room, with only the sound of the strengthening wind outside to keep her company. Flicking on a small table lamp, she made her way across the short distance to the kitchen. 

Running her fingers along the stone cold counter top attached the the island, she sighed. She needed to let go, and she needed to forget, just for a moment. Taking a large wine glass from the glass cupboard, and a bottle of white from her refrigerator, she propped herself up on a stool. Pouring a large helping of the wine, she sat as she watched the glass fog up from the coldness of the liquid. Everything is cold. Why is everything so fucking cold. Closing her eyes, she let her mind drift off to the events of the day. 

\---FLASHBACK---  
Growing increasingly frustrated by the minute, Arizona wasn't quite sure what Callie’s lawyer was trying to get at. She had done nothing but belittle her since she had taken the stand, and although, that was her job, the blonde couldn't help but think that her ex-wife and her lawyer were determined to ruin her reputation as a mother. 

“So, you only became a part of the parenting plan….later? Correct?” the brunettes lawyer was becoming more harsh as the hearing went on. Arizona couldn't quite believe what she had just heard. “Just to be clear, Dr Sloan and Dr Torres were Sofia’s parents, and then…..you came around.” 

Callie’s lawyers last words didn't sound like a question, but more of a fact. Arizona had had enough of this, it was becoming ridiculous. “No, I didn't come around, I’m Sofia’s mother, I legally adopted her.” Arizona raised her voice.

“Her last names are Sloan and Torres?” the lawyer spoke so matter of factly, and as Arizona heard those words, her life came crashing down around her.

Blue eyes widening, the blonde glanced at her ex-wife, who simply sat there, waiting for an answer. Never had she seen Callie looking so void of any feeling towards her. Sure, it was Arizona’s choice to bring this to a hearing, but she hoped that the brunette would eventually see sense and call off the whole idea of running to New York with her girlfriend of what? Five minutes. It wasn't the fact that Callie was dating, she had realised that the brunette wanted nothing more with her a while ago. It was the fact that Callie just expected Arizona to let her up and leave with her daughter. Their daughter. 

Feeling her heart drop into her stomach, the blonde quickly realised that she couldn't do this any longer. She was quickly figuring out just how much Callie hated her, and the questions she was being asked where nothing like what she expected. She felt exposed, alone, and embarrassed. Not only had the other woman’s lawyer accused her of being a bad mother, who often went out drinking with her friends, but now, she was now suggesting that she was not Sofia’s mother at all. 

Her anger disappeared, and a feeling of numbness quickly washed over her body. 

“Dr Robbin’s?” Callie’s lawyer waited for the blonde to continue. 

Arizona fixed her stare on her ex-wife. Every emotion pouring from blue glistening eyes, she shook her head. “I-I’m not doing this.”

“Excuse me?” the lawyer furrowed her brow.

“I’m not doing this. Callie, you have made it quite clear that you want out, and thats fine. T-These things you are letting them say about me? I’d never, ever of done that to you. How we got here, i’ll never know, but right now, I can’t do this.” Arizona stood from her seat. “I wanted to do this, so I had the opportunity to have my daughter with me, to watch her grow into a beautiful young woman, but all I've gotten so far, is you glaring at me like you want me to drop dead, and her, creating some sort of bad image. So, i’m not doing this.” Arizona stepped down from the stand and moved closer to her ex-wife. “You truly believe that I am not the mother of your daughter, thats fine, but I know the truth. I stood by you after you slept with your best friend after a heavy night of drinking. Some may call that a little irresponsible, but it turned out to be the best thing ever to happen to me.” 

Arizona dropped her gaze, she couldn't look at her ex-wife, not while she was about to say what was on the tip of her tongue. “So, I'm going to go. I’m going to go, and you are going to go to New York with YOUR daughter and your new piece. I truly hope you will be happy.” Arizona sighed. “I want you to remember one thing though, when YOUR daughter is old enough to understand, I hope she doesn't question what happened to the blonde who used to cuddle her every night, the blonde who used to read to her and tuck her into bed, the blonde who raised her for the first six years of her life, because I'm warning you, Callie, when she comes to me asking for answers, I won’t hold back.”

Callie’s eyes widened. She couldn't believe what was happening, or what her ex-wife was saying. She wanted to answer her, but no words would come out. Callie simply sat, mouth agape, wondering what the hell Arizona had just said to her. She didn't want things to end up like this, but Arizona was already walking away, and as the brunette turned around, she found her ex-wife gone. 

Arizona knew her daughter would be loved and taken care of, no matter what, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Tears fell as she walked away from the courthouse, and right now, she wanted to get back to the hospital, grab her things, and get home. 

\---

Arizona didn't know how long she had been sat at the kitchen island for, and it didn't matter. Her wine glass had warmed and now, she sat staring at the ring forming around the bottom. She couldn't believe how this day had gone. She truly had given up, but in this moment, she didn't have any fight left in her. She had nothing more to give where her ex-wife was concerned. 

Feeling a bitter taste rise in her throat, she tried to suppress the urge to heave. The look on Callie’s face as she took to the stand played over in her mind, and that, coupled with Mark Sloan’s words left the blonde feeling like she was worthless. How could she let them say those things about me? How could allow them to say I wasn't Sofia’s mother? How did it end up like this? Arizona had so many questions, questions she knew she would never find the answer to, but the thought of her ex-wife taking her daughter to another state, another time zone, with a new woman, left her feeling empty. 

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— 

Arizona woke to the sound of her cell phone screeching out around the living room. The blonde hadn't made it to bed last night, she had simply curled up on the couch and waited for her mind to quiet and her eyes to close. Reaching forward, she grabbed her cell phone and tried her hardest to silence it. Swollen eyes and a misty vision left her feeling like she had had a heavy night of drinking, when in fact, she hadn’t. Having nursed the same glass of wine for over two hours when she got home, she decided to call it a night, but not before she took herself off to her bedroom and packed up some belongings into a suitcase. 

That suitcase now stood by the front door, and as the blonde began to wake up, she remembered everything that had happened the previous day. Looking down at her cell phone, she found a number of missed calls, an her messaging inbox was now full. Deciding to check on her messages first, she opened up the tab and began sifting through them. 

I need to see you. -Callie

Boss, can you get in touch please. -Karev

Where are you, Arizona? -Callie

Sofia wants to see you. -Callie

Arizona, please call me. -Callie

Fine, you don't want to see me. To be honest, I don't want to see you either right now. At least let someone know you are okay. -CALLIE

The blonde continued to delete her messages, one after the other. She suspected that Callie may get in touch with her, but right now, it didn't matter. Things had been said, maybe not directly from her ex-wife’s mouth, but she didn't seem in too much of a hurry to stop her lawyer from tearing Arizona down. The blonde needed to take some time out. She couldn't be around her friends or her ex-wife right now, and she knew that if she went to see Sofia, she would never be able to let her go. 

Deciding that she would get in touch with Callie once her own anger had settled down, Arizona deleted the last of her messages before listening to the one voicemail that flashed in the notification bar of her cell. 

“Dr Robbins, I imagine you don't feel like working right now, and that is fine. I have taken it upon myself to have your shifts covered for the foreseeable, and I hope that you will contact me once you are feeling more like yourself. Take care of yourself, Arizona.” 

Sighing as she deleted the voicemail, Arizona knew what she was doing was wrong but her mind wasn't in the right place, and she had no idea when it would be. The one thing she knew for certain though is that Chief Bailey understood. 

Standing from the couch, the blonde made her way over to the kitchen and prepared some fresh coffee. She was going to need it, she had a long day ahead of her. Taking her cup and heading down the hall way, she made her way into the bathroom. 

Stepping into the shower, Arizona felt a little tension disappear as the hot water cascaded down her tired and aching body. Thoughts of her life flashed around in her mind. Sofia taking her first steps, and the first time she had called the blonde ‘Mommy’, none of it mattered now, that life was over. Sure, she had adopted the miniature brunette, but after Callie’s lawyer had all but told her she was of no relevance to her daughters life, she couldn't help but feel that the one piece of paper that connected her to Sofia, actually meant nothing.

She figured she should call Callie at some point in the day, but as the look on the brunette’s face came back to her, she quickly dismissed the idea. Callie didn't want her in her life anymore, she now had Penny. Arizona couldn't help but wonder just how much her ex-wife loved her new girlfriend, it must of been enough though, enough to tear her family apart and take her daughter away from the only life she had ever known. 

Finishing her shower, the blonde made her way into her bedroom, changed and checked she had everything she needed. 

She was leaving. There was nothing here for her any more, and the more she thought about it, the more she could no longer bare to be in Seattle. Too many memories, and too much heartache followed her around, and as she stepped out of her front door, she sent off a silent wish that her daughter, Sofia, would be happy with her other mother in New York.

Arizona placed her belongings in her car, climbed inside, and put the car into reverse. She promised herself to keep in touch with her friends, and maybe, one day, she would see her daughter again. 

What Arizona didn't realise, was that she was already in a state of depression from the numerous fights over the last few months with her ex wife and now, it was about to hit her like a train.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

 

Six months later

 

“Mommy!” Sofia’s voice called out throughout Arizona’s hotel room. 

“Hi, big girl.” the blondes smile reached her ears. Never had she been so happy to see her daughters face light up her computer screen. “How are you?”

“I’ve been good, so mama is taking me to the zoo tomorrow.” the mini brunette jumped up and down in excitement.

“Wow, you are going to the zoo? Thats awesome.” Arizona tried her best to keep up the perky attitude Sofia was used to. 

“Yes, but I wish you were coming too. I miss you.” Sofia’s excitement quickly changed to a sadness Arizona couldn't bare to see.

“Hey now, don't be upset. You are settling into your new life. Do you still like New York?” the blonde tried to change the subject.

“Mm.” the little girl shrugged. “It’s okay. I miss Zola.” 

“I know you do, sweetie, but you must be having so much fun in your new house.” Arizona hated the fact that Sofia’s life had been turned upside down. 

“Guess so. When can I come and see you?” a slight sparkle shone from the little girls eyes.

“Soon, baby. Soon.” the blonde gave a sad smile.

“You promise? You always tell me soon, but I haven't seen you in so long.” brown eyes burned through the screen.

“I know, and I miss you, but your mama is very busy right now.” Arizona prayed that Callie wasn't listening right now. She had barely spoken to her ex-wife since she had walked out of the court room, and right now, she didn't need to see her. 

“Mama, are you too busy?” Sofia yelled out in another direction.

Arizona could hear her ex wife shouting something back to her daughter, and before she knew it, Callie’s chocolate brown orbs appeared on the screen in front of her. “Hey, Arizona.” 

“Sofia, baby, I have to go now. I’ll speak to you soon, okay?” Arizona needed to end the call as soon as possible. She was not prepared for the face in front of her, and the more she looked at the screen, the more her heart broke all over again. 

“Okay, Mommy. I love you.” the miniature brunette smiled.

“I love you too, baby. Bye.” Arizona ended the Skype call before Callie could say another word. 

Sitting back in her chair, she thought about the face that had just appeared before her. She had spoken with Callie on her cell a handful of times since she left Seattle but today was the first time she had actually seen her. She didn't know how to feel about it, so she did what she knew best, she breathed. 

Concentrating on her breathing was something that the blonde had been working on for the past six months. It was the only thing that kept her grounded, and prevented the panic attacks she had started suffering since her court room ordeal. Closing her eyes, she thought about the first time she had spoken to Callie since she walked away.

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

\---FLASHBACK---

Arizona woke to a buzzing sound coming from the bedside table of the hotel she was currently staying in. She didn't have a place to call home anymore, so hopping from hotel to hotel was the only thing to do. Her mother had asked her to go back home, but at this point in time, it didn't feel like the right thing to do. 

Sitting up and looking at the name flashing on the screen, she ran her fingers through messy golden curls. She couldn't face her ex-wife right now, so she waited for her cell to stop ringing, and placed it down beside her on the bed. Having ordered two bottles of wine the night before, the blonde felt a pounding headache coming on. 

She very rarely drowned her sorrows with alcohol, but lately, it was the only thing she knew how to do. So she would drink to numb the pain she felt. Drink to numb the thoughts of her past life, and drink to forget who she even was anymore. 

It had been three weeks since Arizona had walked away from her life, her job, her home, and her friends back in Seattle. Loneliness was now a daily occurrence, and she knew that she was quickly sinking down into a depression. She knew her friends worried about her, Alex Karev had made that quite clear with the daily phone calls, but she just needed to be alone. Being alone meant that no one could hurt her, no one could accuse her of being a bad mother, no one could accuse her of being a slut, and no one could take anything else from her. 

Hearing her cell phone buzz again, she rolled her eyes and lay back. Callie had called her once a day since she had left, and each time, Arizona had refused to answer. Her ex-wife clearly wasn't taking the hint, and now, she was repeatedly calling her. 

“What?” the blonde threw a little emphasis on the ’t’. 

“Oh my god, you finally answered.” Callie couldn't believe she was hearing the blondes voice. 

“Yeah, because you won’t stop calling me. What do you want, Callie?” Arizona grit her teeth.

“I want to know that you are okay.” the brunette sighed.

“Okay? Okay?” the blonde snorted. “No, I'm not okay. What do you care, anyway.”

“Of course I care, Arizona. Sofia misses you and keeps asking for you.” Callie didn't want to get into an argument right now. Not since it was the first time she had heard her ex-wife’s voice in three weeks.

“And I miss her, but do I even have any right to miss her?” Arizona tried to keep her cool but her patience was wearing thin.

“What is that supposed to mean? Why wouldn't you miss her? She's your daughter.” Callie’s voice broke.

“Oh she is? Wow, I guess I didn't get that announcement then, hey!” the blonde let out a sarcastic laugh. 

“Arizona, you have to stop this. Its not good for you. You know Sofia is your daughter, and you know you can see her whenever you like.” the brunette’s heart broke for her ex wife.

“Why did you do it, Callie?” Arizona spoke barely above a whisper. “Why did you let them say those things about me?” 

“I’m sorry, I didn't know they would say anything like that. I was as shocked as you were.” it was nice talking to the blonde, but Callie didn't want to push the conversation too far.

“Y-You didn't even back me up. You didn't stop her, or correct her. You just let her continue. That fucking hurt, Callie.” 

“I know, and I'm sorry.” Callie whispered into the phone. 

“Yeah, but whats done is done, right?” Arizona had heard enough, and quickly hit the end call button.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Feeling a wave of calm wash over her body, the blonde knew her worry had subsided enough to continue with her day. Smiling at the thought of her daughter being overly excited for the zoo, she made her way over to the coffee pot and poured herself a fresh cup. She's so big now. 

After months of trying to find herself, drinking herself into oblivion, and shutting herself off from everyone around her, Arizona knew it was time to get her life back together. She would continue her sessions with her therapist via Skype and hopefully, her life would begin to even itself back out. 

She was done with wallowing in self pity, she was done being alone with her thoughts, and she was done allowing Calliope Torres to bring her down. She needed to feel something other than sadness. What happened six months ago couldn't be changed. It couldn't be undone, but it could get better. It would get better, it had to. 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Callie sat at the dinner table talking with her daughter. She was still trying to figure out her feelings after seeing her ex-wife earlier on in the day, and Sofia wouldn't stop asking questions. Checking the clock, she was relieved to see it was time for Sofia to head off to bed. “Come on, little miss, its time for you to hit the hay.”

“But I don't want to go to bed just yet.” Sofia pouted. 

“Mija, you have to be up bright and early for our trip to the zoo tomorrow.” Callie stood and started to tidy things away. 

“I don’t want to go.” the little girl shrugged. 

“You don’t?” the brunette furrowed her brow. “Why? You love the zoo.”

“I want to see mommy. I want to go to the zoo with mommy.” Sofia’s lip trembled.

“Oh, baby girl. Mommy is busy.” 

“You always say that. You always lie to me.” the little girl pushed back her chair and stood.

“Sof, thats no way to talk to mama.” Callie sighed. “How about I call mommy later tonight and see about you going to stay with her.” 

“Yes. I miss her.” Sofia’s eyes lit up. “Please tell her I will be good.”

“Sof, thats not why you haven't seen mommy. We have just been getting settled in.” Callie bent down in front of her daughter and brushed her cheek with her thumb. “You know mommy loves you. right? More than anything.”

“I know, but I miss her. Please will you ask her?” Sofia wrapped her arms around her mother. 

“Of course I will. Now, scoot. Time for bed.” the brunette walked her daughter into her bedroom and pulled out her favourite book. She would call Arizona once she had settled her daughter. She had noticed the change in her ex-wife’s appearance, and was a little worried about her. Blue eyes had lost their sparkle, and her skin looked pale and oily. That was not the Arizona she was used to seeing, that was not the woman she had once fallen in love with, and married. 

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Callie quietly made her way down the hall and into her living room. Deciding that this was as good a time as any, she picked up her cell phone, and dialled her ex-wife’s number. Hoping for some sort of talk, she took a deep breath and prayed that the blonde would answer the phone. 

“Hello?” the blonde answered the call soundly a little uneasy.

“Hi, Arizona. Could we talk for a moment please?” Callie closed her eyes and hoped the blonde would agree.

“Um, I guess. Whats up?” Arizona didn't sound all that interested. 

“Sofia wants to see you.” 

“Its a little late, she should be in bed by now, Callie.”

“No, I mean she wants to come and stay with you. Are you back in Seattle yet?” Callie questioned. 

“No, Callie, I’m not. I’m not sure it is such a good idea for Sofia to come see me just yet.” the blonde responded, hoping that would be the end of this conversation. 

“What? Where are you?” the brunette was confused. 

“It doesn't matter where I am, Callie. I’m not in Seattle and that is all you need to know.” 

“It does matter where you are, Arizona. Sofia is desperate to see you. Why isn't it a good time for her to come?” Callie didn't want to disappoint her daughter when she questioned her in the morning. 

“I, its just, um, its just not a good time.” Arizona didn't want her ex-wife to know that she had done nothing but suffer for the last six months. 

“Arizona, please talk to me. I hate that you are feeling like this.” Callie rubbed her temple.

“Oh, now you care? Now you actually give a shit? Don’t Callie, I don't want to hear it.”

“Arizona, I've always cared. I always will care about you. Please, just talk to me.” 

“No, we are not doing this. Its been six months, Callie. Six months and I'm finally starting to feel a small hint of myself coming back. I don't need you, trying to be some sort of therapist when you couldn't even be bothered to try and fix our marriage.” Arizona raised her voice. “You can’t just expect me to be fine with the idea that you wanted to move Sofia away, and then when I take it to court, you bring me down so much that I run. You can’t have everything. It doesn't work like that.”

“Thats not what I'm trying to do. I just want you to know that you can call me whenever you need to talk.” the brunette could hear the hurt in Arizona’s voice. 

“Thanks but I've managed to just about drag myself through the last six months, so I think I'm good. I’ll be back in Seattle soon. Bye, Callie.” Arizona ended the call. She didn't want to argue, but speaking with her ex-wife made it hard. She didn't want the brunette to fix her, she didn't want to even speak to her. All she wanted was for her life to go back to normal and see her daughter. Right now though, that wasn't such a good idea. She couldn't let Sofia see her in the state she was in. 

She was broken. She had almost become an alcoholic, was currently skin and bone, had taken up smoking again, and didn't look anything like her daughter would remember. It was too much right now, and the sooner she got her life together, the sooner she would hold her daughter. God, I miss her so much. I miss everything about her. 

Arizona thought back to the last time she had used alcohol to help her escape. That next day, she had decided never to drink her problems away again, it didn't work. 

\---FLASHBACK---

Stepping inside her hotel room, Arizona’s arms where filled with alcohol. Her best friend, and her worst enemy. She had always enjoyed a glass of wine of an evening, and tequila shots when she was out with her friends, but now, she just loved it at any time of day. 

Placing her room card on the table near to the door, she moved over to the small kitchen area and placed down her two bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a smaller bottle of rum. She didn't even like rum but it reminded her of Callie. The one constant in the last 7 years of her life, who now couldn't be further away. Callie. 

Pulling out a wine glass, she filled it to the top and made her way over to the couch. Flicking through the tv channels, she found nothing of interest. Switching on the docking station via the remote control, she shuffled through the songs until she found one she could bare. 

Sitting forward facing the small coffee table which held her glass of wine, she picked it up and downed the lot in two gulps. It felt good to feel the burn at the back of her throat. It felt good to get that instant dizziness. “Mmm, good choice Robbin’s. Good choice.” The blonde smiled as she talked to herself. 

Pouring another glass of the expensive white wine, the blonde downed it, followed by another. Lighting up a cigarette, she inhaled the toxic fumes and smiled. 

Picking up her cell, she made a quick call. A call which she had wanted to make for some time, but had never gotten round to it. Until now, now when she had some liquid courage. 

“Hey, Chief!” Arizona shouted into the handset.

“Um, Dr Robbins.?” Miranda questioned.

“Oh please, Arizona. Call me Arizona, I don't deserve the title of Doctor anymore.” the blonde snorted.

“Is, uh, Is everything okay, Arizona?” Bailey didn't like the sound of her colleagues voice. 

“Great, Bailey. I’m awesome.” Arizona slurred her words. “H-How are you? Is Grey Sloan still standing?”

“Arizona, are you drunk?” Bailey questioned. Very rarely had she seen the blonde drunk.

“Mm, maybe. So, the hospital? Hows that place doing?” the blonde laughed as she took a sip of her fourth wine. 

“Its fine, Robbins. When are you coming back? Your kids need you.” Bailey hoped to talk some sense into her colleague and friend. 

“Oh please, they don't need me. No one NEEDS me.” Arizona scoffed. “Just like my daughter, wait, Callie’s daughter doesn't need me.” 

“Now, you know that is a load of crap, Arizona. Sofia IS your daughter.” Miranda’s heart broke for the other woman on the phone. “You need to pull yourself together, and get back here. Seriously. Don't make me come find you.”

“Oh, I’m long gone, Chief. Far away from Seattle.” the blonde continued to sip on her wine. 

“Where are you?” her boss questioned. 

“Goodbye, Bailey. It was good to talk to you.” Arizona hit the end call button. She may of been drunk, but she wasn't about to give away any details she didn't believe people needed to know. 

Moving back into the kitchen area, Arizona decided to crack open the bottle of tequila that had been staring back at her. It reminded her so much of her past. Meredith, Cristina, even her and Callie. Tequila often made her feel lose and free and that is exactly how she wanted to feel right now. 

Bringing the bottle to her lips, she took a large sip. Closing her eyes as the liquid worked its way down her throat and hit her stomach, she felt good. Feeling the burn rip through her body, she quickly forgot about all of her problems. She could of quite easily took herself out on the town and whored herself about, but she chose not to. She chose to stay in the safety of her hotel room, and drown her sorrows. 

Over an hour later, and at the end of a playlist, the blonde stood from the couch and made her way to the bathroom. Losing her footing, the tequila bottle flew across the floor, quickly followed by the blonde. 

———————————————————————————————————————————————————

Arizona remembered that following morning all too well. She woke, sprawled out on the floor, with a gash to the head. Having knocked herself out on the corner of the small kitchen counter. Thinking about it left her feeling angry. That was not Arizona Robbins. She didn't drink herself into oblivion. Hell, she had lost a leg and not given in to drink. She almost lost her wife and child and didn't drink, and she went through a divorce and managed to lay off the alcohol. Something wasn't right, and it was at that point that she decided it was time to take action. She needed to speak to someone. Someone who didn't know anything about her. Someone who wouldn't judge. 

That was when she decided it was time to see a therapist. She had seen them before, and although it had never usually worked, her divorce was proof of that, she figured it wouldn't harm to try. After all, she wanted to fix herself, and she didn't have an unwilling wife to battle with throughout it. 

Now, six months on, and over four months since she started her therapy sessions, she was ready to do what needed to be done. She was ready to return to her home, to Seattle. 

Hitting the contacts tab on her cell, she selected the number she desired, and waited to hear a familiar voice. “Hi, Chief.” Arizona wasn't sure how this conversation was about to go. She hadn't spoken with Miranda Bailey since her drunken call all of those months ago. Not only had she made a fool of herself, she had ignored all of her bosses calls after it. 

“Well, Dr Robbins. Its about damn time you called. Where the hell are you?” Miranda Bailey was not messing about.

“Um, So-Sorry Chief. I’m so sorry about last time.” the blonde felt like she was being told off by her teacher.

“I don’t want your apology, Arizona. I want to know where you are.” Bailey questioned. 

“I’m, um, I’m in Portland.” Arizona spoke barely above a whisper. 

“Stay there. I’m coming to get you. This is just ridiculous now.” The Chief was relieved to hear Arizona giving a little more detail to her whereabouts. 

“No, Miranda. It’s okay. I’m coming home.” the blonde felt a weight lift as she spoke the words. “I’m coming home. Today.”

“Y-You are? Thats great, Arizona.” the relief was evident on the smaller woman’s voice. 

“I’m sorry for everything, Bailey. I really am. C-Can I come see you when I get back?” Arizona was a little hesitant in her question. 

“Damn right you can. I want to see you today before I leave here.” Bailey stated. 

“Okay.” Arizona figured there was no point in arguing with her boss. 

The call was cut off. Arizona wasn't sure if it was done out of anger, or if the Chief was just being her usual self. Deciding on the latter, she stood from the desk in the corner of the room and made her way into the bedroom to begin packing up the last six months of her life. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Arizona made it to Seattle in a little over three hours. The drive had been pleasant and right now, she just wanted coffee. Deciding she would grab one when she got to the hospital, she made her way through the familiar Seattle streets. Memories from many years here came flooding back. At first she felt a strong sense of uncertainty, and wondered if she had made the right decision, but she pushed it to the back of her mind and decided she would deal with it later, at home. 

Pulling into the parking lot of Grey Sloan Memorial, the blonde noticed how nothing had changed. People still milling about through the huge glass windows at the entrance, and the typical Seattle rain. She hadn't expected any sort of change, but it felt like a lifetime ago since she was last here. 

Stepping out of her car, she straightened herself out and made her way inside. She had tried to dress as best as she could, but at the moment, most of her clothes hung off her body from the weight she had lost. Pale skin was apparent from the lack of time outdoors, and her eyes remained dull and lifeless. Determined to change all of that, she stepped inside the hospital and took in the sights around her. 

Immediately recognised by a number of nurses and other surgeons, Arizona smiled and acknowledged them before crossing the short distance to the elevators. Hitting the button which would take her up to the Chief’s office, she patiently waited. 

“Well, I thought i’d never see you again.” a voice called out from behind the blonde. 

“Oh, Alex. It is so good to see you.” Arizona threw her arms around her understudy.

“Yeah, whatever.” Karev shrugged. “Where the hell have you been?” 

“It doesn't matter where I've been, but I'm back. I need to get back to work and have some sort of normality in my life.” Arizona smiled at her friend. 

“Thats good. We've missed you.” Alex lowered his voice before continuing his conversation. “I don't mean to be rude, Robbins, but you look like absolute crap.”

“Wow, thanks.” the blonde punched Alex’s shoulder. “Way to make a girl feel good, huh!” 

“I’m sorry but you know I tell the truth.” he gave a sad smile. Never had he seen his boss looking this rough.

“I know. Thanks.” the blonde stepped inside the elevator. “I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

“Sure, I’ll hold you to that.” Karev turned and left the corridor. 

Feeling a sudden wave of nervousness, Arizona stood with her back to the wall of the elevator. She needed to feel something hard to get her bearings, and as she started to concentrate on her breathing, the anxious feeling inside of her subsided. Damn i’m getting good at this. The blonde smiled at her own thoughts. 

Reaching her desired floor, she made her way down the corridor and to Miranda Bailey’s office. Knocking lightly on the door, she waited for the voice of the smaller woman to grant her access. Hearing the serious tone of her boss, she stepped inside and smiled. 

“Don’t you smile at me, Robbins. I could kiss your ass right now.” Miranda looked at the taller woman standing in the middle of her office looking a little worse for wear. 

“I’m back, Bailey. Cut me some slack.” the blonde was glad to be back, but she didn't need a telling off. If she’d of wanted that, she would of called her mother. 

“Sit down. When was the last time you had a decent meal inside of you, Arizona.” Bailey noticed how her colleagues clothes hung from her body. 

“Um, last night. I’m fine, Chief. Really.” Arizona gave a dimpled smile as she sat across from her boss.

“Hmm, sure you are.” Bailey scoffed. 

“Look, i’d really love to stay and talk with you, but i’d really like to get home and get settled for the evening. Can we talk properly another time?” the blonde hoped she wasn't going to be here long. 

“Okay. Sure. I want to see you soon though, Arizona. Ive been worried sick about you. Please, don't ever leave like that again.” Miranda shuffled paperwork around her desk.

“I won’t. I’m sorry.” Arizona stood to leave. 

“Have you spoken to Torres yet?” Bailey raised an eyebrow. 

Turning back to look at her boss, Arizona shook her head and dropped her gaze to the floor. “No.”

“Okay, that is the next thing you need to do. You have a daughter who needs you, needs both of you.” Bailey motioned for the blonde to leave. 

“I-I know.” Arizona left her bosses office and made her way back to the elevator. 

Back inside her office, Miranda Bailey felt a wave of relief having seen the blonde. She knew she needed some help, and she would be there for her every step of the way, but she needed her fiends too. 

Picking up her cell phone, Miranda sent off a quick text message. 

She’s back. -Bailey


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three:

\---FLASHBACK---

(Four weeks since leaving Seattle)

I was thinking bout her, thinkin' bout me  
Thinkin' bout us, what we gon' be  
Open my eyes yeah, it was only Just A Dream  
So I traveled back, down that road  
Will she come back, no one knows  
I realize yeah, it was only Just A Dream

Arizona lay on the couch in her hotel in San Diego. Too drunk to even move, she closed her eyes and listened to the words blaring out. It wasn't her kind of music, but right now, Nelly would have to do.

Earlier in the evening, she had spoken with Callie for only the second time since leaving Seattle. Once again, it was Callie who had made contact. The blonde didn't want to hear her voice, she needed need her sympathy, she didn't need her apologies, what she needed, was her daughter. Her daughter who had fallen asleep in her arms for six years, her daughter who had cried for her mommy when she had hurt herself in day care. Her daughter, who she had quite literally brought into this world.

That day was rarely spoken about. The day when Mark Sloan had roared all over the hospital that Arizona was nothing, that day when she almost lost her ex wife, that day when her life was crashing down around her. Arizona was the one who had ensured her daughter took her first breath. She was the one who fought with Mark over who to save. Sure, he was worried about them both, but given the circumstances, he was willing to let his daughter go.

As the blonde lay on the couch, heavily intoxicated and barely awake, she leaned forward and took a sip of her now almost empty tequila bottle. Her conversation with Callie playing over in her mind.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Arizona. C-Can we talk?" The brunette sounded down.

"I have nothing to say to you, Callie. When will you realise that?" Arizona sighed.

"Woah, no need to be so hateful towards me." Callie snorted.

"Hateful? You have to be joking, right?" The blonde let out a sarcastic laugh. "I don't hate you, Callie. I don't hate you, because I don't fucking feel anything. Not for you, and not for the situation you have put us in. I’m numb.”

"Oh! I've put us in? I think you'll find you done that all by yourself, Arizona."

"Oh, sure, it's my fault." Arizona no longer wanted any part in this conversation. If Callie needed to hear all about how it was her fault, then the blonde would give it to her. Whatever helped the brunette sleep at night, right?

"So that's it? You are going to just cut the conversation there?" Callie rolled her eyes.

"Um, yeah. I've told you, Callie. I have nothing left to give you. You have used up every fucking possible feeling, emotion, movement. I don't fucking care!!!"

"Wow. When did you become such a heartless bitch?" The brunette scoffed.

"Oh, that would be when you took my daughter away from me. If you don't like what I have to say, don't call me. Simple!" Arizona hit the end call button.

Shaking herself from her thoughts, an uncontrollable laugh emerged from deep within. I'm a heartless bitch. Fuck you, Callie. Arizona was angry at herself for allowing the brunette to get her riled up, but it was the truth, she really did have nothing left to give her ex wife.

Sipping on her tequila, she decided she needed to get a few things off of her chest. Picking up her cell, she closed one eye as she tried to focus her vision on the screen in front of her. Finally managing to hit the call button, she let it ring.

"Arizona, it's late." the voice on the other end of the call sounded heavy.

"Yeah, I'm aware of that CALLIOPE! Listen to me now, and listen good." Arizona tried to clear her throat as best as she could. She knew she was extremely drunk right now, but everything she was about to say, she would say to Callie again, sober, if that was needed.

"You have fucking broken me. I used to be a person who went out, had fun. I didn't sit at home and wallow in my own misery because someone decided they no longer wanted to be with me. I didn't give a shit. But you, you walked into that bar, all fucking Latina like, and stole my heart. Yes, my heart. That stone cold heart you seem to think I have." the blonde stopped for a moment. Taking another sip of her drink, she continued. "Now, I'm sat here and I'm left with nothing. Nothing but hurt and a deep ache in my body that just won't fuck off!" feeling herself becoming more angry, Arizona lifted her arm and launched the bottle of alcohol against the nearest wall.

Hearing the sound, Callie quickly stepped in. "Arizona, are you okay?"

"Oh yes, I'm just fucking wonderful." the blonde snorted. "You have ruined my life. Its not even about the leg, I don't care about the leg or who cut it off. This is about me, and you. You think that the fact that I cheated ruined our marriage? You couldn't be further from the truth, and maybe, you need to take a long hard look at yourself before you sit there and judge me. You think that you were perfect in our relationship? Oh, you are so wrong."

Callie sat and listened as best as she could to the words her ex wife was screaming through the phone. Luckily, Penny was working the night shift, and Sofia was sleeping in her own bed tonight. Hearing the blondes speech slurring even more so than before, she furrowed her brow. "A-Arizona, are you drunk?"

Sighing, the blonde knew she was fighting a losing battle. "Goodbye, Calliope."

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Sitting at her kitchen counter, Arizona glared into her coffee cup. She had been back in Seattle for three days, and although she had tried her best to get things back to normal, it was easier said than done.

She had spoken with some of her friends, and was feeling a little more relaxed about the situation she had left everyone in. Alex had been brilliant with everything and truly had saved her ass, and her Peds floor.

She hadn't yet decided when she would be going back to work, but right now, sitting alone in her home, she didn't feel ready. She knew she would have to go back sooner or later, but when the time came, she would know.

Deciding she should probably make a move and get her day started, she headed down the hallway and into the bathroom. Turning the taps, she waited for the water to heat and steam the room.

Stepping back, and facing the mirror, she gasped. Wow, Robbins, you look like hell. The blonde had avoided looking at herself over the last few months. Feeling her anger rise, she wondered how she could ever let Callie do this to her. She looked a mess. A shell of who she used to be. Feeling the tears beginning to form, she quickly stepped away from the mirror and let the hot water pour down over her body.

It felt good. Soaked golden curls quickly disappeared as they lengthened down her back. Sighing, she decided she could stand in the shower forever. It made her feel safe.

Her thoughts turned to her friends at the hospital. Alex had suggested they grab drinks at Joe's at some point before she returned to work. She hadn't agreed, but she also hadn't refused the offer. She knew she wasn't an alcoholic, she had managed to stop that in its tracks before it was almost too late, but she wasn't sure her mind was strong enough to endure alcohol right now.

Feeling the worry descend on her body, she began her breathing strategy which had helped her and served her well over the past few weeks. She was getting good at it, and eventually, the anxiety would all be a thing of the past. 

When she knew her body had relaxed, she stepped out of the shower and pulled a large fluffy towel around her body.

Heading back into her bedroom, she picked up her cell. Rolling her eyes, she found a message on her screen from the one woman she was trying to rid herself of.

How are you? -Callie x

Throwing her cell back down onto her bed, she changed, and made her way out of her bedroom and back to the kitchen.

Feeling the stress return after seeing the message from her ex wife, she turned her attention to the refrigerator. Finding a bottle of wine, she pulled it out, and placed it on the counter in front of her. Climbing up onto the stool, she sat and stared.

It was almost midday, and far too early to even think about anything alcoholic, but here she was, contemplating that exact thought. When she heard the doorbell, she was startled out of her thoughts.

Making her way over to the door, she took a moment to centre herself, before opening it. Her face suddenly dropped, and all of the hard work she had been putting into herself was quickly fading.

"Hi, Arizona."

"W-What are you doing here?" The blonde furrowed her brow and desperately tried to stop the tears that threatened to fall.

"I needed to come see you. I'm sorry I called without asking first, but well, we both know you would of ignored my call." Callie dropped her gaze to the floor as she shifted her weight from left to right.

"But you thought you would come here anyway?" Arizona scoffed. "I don't want you here, Callie."

"Please, I need to see you, I need to know that you are okay." the brunette pleaded with her ex wife.

"Why? Why do you need to see that I'm okay? What does it matter?" the blonde ran her fingers through damp curls.

"It matters, Arizona. You matter. Please, can I come in?" Callie felt her own tears form as she looked at the mess her ex wife had gotten herself into.

"No, I don't want you here. I don't want to speak to you, so I certainly don't want you in my house." Arizona shook her head.

"Please, Arizona. We need to work this out." the brunette had come here to hopefully work out some sort of arrangement for her daughter.

"You have five minutes. Then you are gone." the blonde left the door and walked back inside. If Callie wanted to come in, she wouldn't be invited in, not by the blonde.

Eyes widening, the brunette couldn't believe her ex wife had allowed her a moment to talk. All she had been getting for the past six months, was either ignorance, or a slanging match. Right now, she didn't want to fight. She didn't want any raised voices, she just wanted to see that Arizona was okay.

Stepping inside, the first thing she noticed was the bottle of wine sitting on the kitchen counter. All kinds of thoughts running through her mind, she decided not to mention it at that moment.

"Thank you." Callie gave a sad smile.

"For what?" Arizona turned back to face her ex wife.

"For letting me in. For talking to me." the brunette placed her purse down on a side table.

"If I talk to you now, will you please go and leave me alone? For good?" The blonde had had enough.

Her heart dropping into her stomach, Callie simply nodded. "I-If that's what you want, then yes."

"It is what I want." Arizona turned away from the brunette and made her way into the kitchen, putting on a fresh pot of coffee. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Coffee would be good, thanks." Callie smiled. "So, um, where have you been?"

"Everywhere. I've been everywhere." Arizona replied nonchalantly.

"Like on a road trip?" The brunette furrowed her brow.

"No, Callie. Not like a road trip. More like a demented person who couldn't stay in one place for too long. I just, well, I guess I just needed to leave." the blonde poured coffee into the two cups that's sat on her worktop.

"Oh. So, um, I needed to talk to you about something." the brunette tried to gauge her ex wife's reaction.

"Wonderful, what is it?" Arizona rolled her eyes before handing a coffee to the brunette.

"Um, I'm thinking of coming back. To Seattle." Brown eyes fixed their gaze on the woman in front.

Arizona shrugged. "And you need to talk to be about it, because?"

"Because Sofia misses you. She talks about you all of the time. Things aren't working out in New York. She needs her friends and her family who are here." Callie watched as all kinds of emotions flashed through the blue eyes in front of her.

"That's what happens when you uproot a six year old, Callie. It messes with their head." the blonde was finding this conversation much easier than she had first anticipated. "I miss her, more than she could ever know."

“She's here, she's at Meredith’s right now." Callie smiled.

"Oh god, please don't bring her here. Please, Callie." Arizona felt her chest begin to tighten. Her anxiety rising more than it had in a while, she held onto the kitchen counter for some sort of grounding.

Seeing the panic in her ex wife's face, Callie stepped closer to her. "Hey, are you okay?" the brunette was genuinely concerned about the woman standing in front of her. "Arizona, talk to me. Breathe."

"Back off, Callie." the blondes hand arm shot out in front of her to provide a little space between the two of them. "Please."

Seeing how uncomfortable the blonde was, Callie held her hands up and took a couple of steps back." Okay, I'm sorry."

Callie didn't know what to do. It broke her heart to see her ex wife in the state she was in, but it wasn't her place to fix her anymore. Not that she wanted to fix her, but the thought of even holding her to comfort her left her feeling uneasy and frightened. This was the first time in over six months that Arizona had even allowed them to be in the same room together, so she wasn't about to cause the blonde to change the situation.

"Y-You should go, Callie." Arizona finally felt her breathing level out.

"You're joking right? I'm not leaving while you are in this state." Callie sighed. "No way."

"Callie, I've been in this state for the past six months. Why do you care now?" Arizona frowned.

"Honestly?" The brunette ran her fingers through her hair. "I'm worried about you, Arizona."

"Really, I'm fine. I don't need your sympathy. I've managed to get myself though alone, and I can continue to do so." the blonde gave a sad smile.

"Fine. Answer me one question, and then I will go." Callie watched as her ex wife simply closed her eyes and nodded slowly.

"Why don't you want to see Sofia? This isn't her fault you know, and she misses you so much." Callie’s voice broke.

"I do want to see her, more than anything. I want to hold her and never let her go, Callie. But right now, I can't."

"Why can't you? She's your daughter." the brunette stepped slightly closer.

"Seriously? You want to play that card?" Arizona laughed. "Okay, I'll tell you why! I can't see YOUR daughter right now-"

"Please don't say that, you know that isn't true." Callie cut off the blonde.

"I can't see her right now, because I'm trying to get better. I can't do that, if you are going to bring her here, and then disappear again. I can't do it." Arizona moved around the kitchen looking for something to keep her occupied. Grabbing the wine from the counter, she swiftly returned it to its place inside the refrigerator.

"T-Trying to get better?" Callie waited for the blonde to elaborate.

"Yes. I'm going to meetings and seeing a therapist." Arizona couldn't look at the brunette right now. Suddenly, she felt extremely exposed and embarrassed. Just like she had all those months ago in the court room.

"Um, okay? W-why are you going to meetings? I mean, what for? If you don't mind me asking?" A wave of guilt suddenly washed over the brunette. She didn't like where this conversation was about to go.

"F-For my drinking." the blonde moved into her living room and began fixing up her cushions. "I, um, I have it under control right now."

"Oh, Arizona. Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling?"

"This isn't about you, Callie. I don't need you to fix me. You tried that remember, and then you walked out when you found it was too hard. This is about me! My life, and how it had fallen apart in front of me. NOT you!!"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry." Callie took a hold of her ex wife's wrist.

Looking up into glistening brown eyes, Arizona died a little inside. "Sorry for what?"

"For this. For leaving you, like this." the brunette glided her fingers up a pale forearm.

"Oh, please, don't." Arizona shook her wrist from her ex wife's grip. "Please don't do that. You should leave now, Callie."

"Arizona, please. Don't push me away again." Callie begged.

"This isn't about pushing you, or anybody else away. This is about me dealing with what my life has become. One minute I was the happiest freaking woman in the world. I had everything I could of hoped for. I had you, and then, well, it turned to shit. One thing after another, and eventually, I exploded." Arizona pulled her hair up into a messy bun. "Yes, I may of gone about it the wrong way, and I may of broken your heart when I slept with another woman, but still, I didn't deserve this. One minute I was a mother, and I had the perfect life, but now, that's all gone. That ended when you let that damn lawyer say those things about me. THAT, Callie, that is what truly broke me for the final time."

Arizona knew she had said too much. She was now a mess in front of her ex wife and it was her own fault. She should never of let Callie into her home. She should never of offered her drink, and she should never of let her in on her current life.

"Callie, please go." Arizona pleaded.

Dropping her gaze to the floor, and feeling like complete shit, the brunette nodded. "Okay."

Watching her ex wife walk out of her door, and her life once again, the blonde felt a strange wave of relief was over her entire body.

Taking a seat on the couch, she placed her head against the back of it, and let her mind drift off.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

\---FLASHBACK---

So, Arizona, why have you contacted me for this meeting?" Dr Wyatt questioned.

"My life is messed up right now, and I don't know which way to go." the blonde sighed.

"Okay, would you care to elaborate a little on that?"

"Um, I guess." Arizona smiled. "Callie and I have been through a messy custody battle for our daughter. She was moving to New York and well, she just expected me to let her take Sofia."

"Okay, I can understand why you are upset, but what I'd like to know, is how you dealt with that situation when confronted with it?"

"The only way I thought possible. By calling my lawyer." the blonde waited for something, anything from the shrink sat in front of her. Nothing. "I hoped that she would change her mind before it reached court. No such luck, hey!"

"That must of been a lot for you to take in, Arizona."

"Yeah, it was. I hadn't expected it to go the way it did though. I figured it would be fine, and we would work out some sort of arrangement. That didn't happen though."

"Why is that?" Dr Wyatt listened intently.

"Because she decided to fight me in court. Which was fine. But it was the things that were said."

"Like?" The other woman questioned as she sat cross legged.

"Her lawyer accused me of being a bad mother. Then she suggested that I wasn't even Sofia's mother."

"She did?" Dr Wyatt's eyes widened.

"Yes, and it hurt. Like hell. I walked out." Arizona shrugged.

"You walked out?" Wyatt waited for a reply.

"Yes, I walked out of her court. I threw in the towel. I couldn't do it anymore."

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Two hours later, Arizona woke to find herself still in the same position she had sat down in. Gathering herself and her bearings, she stood and stepped into the kitchen. Needing caffeine, she made some fresh coffee for herself, before heading out into the yard.

Eyeing her cigarettes, she pulled one from the packer, lit it up, and inhaled her current favourite taste. She knew it was wrong, but right now, it was a damn sight better than drinking alcohol.

Letting the toxins rush through her body, she smiled. God, it felt good. It felt good to have no one around go complain, or judge her. She could just be in the moment, and there was not a thing anyone else could do about it.

Suddenly it dawned on her, her daughter was in town. Her daughter who she hadn't seen in over six months. She had spoken with her on the phone and via Skype, but it wasn't the same. She had longed to hold the miniature brunette for so long. She wanted nothing more than to scoop her up in her arms and never let her go, but she knew it wouldn't be like that. She knew that eventually she would have to let her go again. Back with her other mother who had full custody.

Her ex wife's words played over in her mind. “I'm thinking of coming back. To Seattle.” Arizona wondered if Callie and her girlfriend had hit a bump in the road, but then she remembered that Callie had spoken of Sofia's misery in missing her.

Quickly dismissing the thought of Callie returning for any other reason, she went back to smoking her cigarette, and boy did it feel good.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

Arizona sat at her dining table, coffee in hand. She had improved as the week went on, and after getting back into a routine of working out, she was feeling healthier and stronger than a little over a week ago.

She had managed to avoid anymore contact with her ex wife, but knowing that her daughter was not very far away, it broke her heart. She had woken up for the last four mornings, wondering if she should arrange to see Sofia, but something was holding her back. She decided that she would mention it to her therapist the next time they met. They had spoken of Sofia on a number of occasions, and the blonde had taken on board everything Dr Wyatt had said, but something was still holding her back. Not the fact that Callie would be there, but something else. 

She had enjoyed talking with Dr wyatt, and at times, she felt like she was getting somewhere with all of her thoughts that refused to silence themselves. She truly believed that one day, she would feel like the old Arizona Robbins. The Arizona who enjoyed her life.

She had started eating better, and had gained a little weight. She had taken care of her skin, and occasionally, she thought she could see a slight hint of her true self in those big baby blues.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

\---FLASHBACK---

"So, Arizona. How have you been since we last spoke?" Dr Wyatt liked her clients to do all of the talking, with her only providing a little input when she felt it necessary.

"Um, better." the blonde sat tapping her fingers on her thigh. Nervousness would hit her at the beginning of each session, but as her time went on, it would subside, allowing her to open up more. "I've been trying to concentrate on myself, but I worry that if I go out, I will see Callie, and right now, I don't want that."

"Callie is still in Seattle?"

"Yes, she is." Arizona ran a hand through her hair. "I guess she is catching up with her friends."

"Hmm."

Arizona noted the sound her therapist had just made, and she too wondered what the brunette was still doing here. "She will probably head back to New York with Sofia soon."

"And you will be okay with that?"

"I guess so. I would love to spend time with Sofia before she goes home, but I fear the hurt it will cause when she leaves again." Arizona glanced out of the window. Finding something to focus on, would hopefully keep the tears from falling.

"I remember you mentioned that Callie was thinking of coming home, for good? Is that still something she is thinking about?"

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to her." the blonde shrugged.

"How would you feel if that did happen? If Callie did come home, with Sofia."

"Well I would be thrilled in a way I guess. I would have my daughter with me again, but that's not the point."

Dr Wyatt simply nodded. She wanted Arizona to continue in her own time. She could see the wheels turning, as the blonde figured out her next sentence.

"The point is that she can't just walk back into my life with Sofia. Not after the things that have been said."

"Okay. Have you told her that?"

"No." Arizona tucked a loose blonde curl behind her ear. "If Callie decides to come home, that is up to her. If I get the opportunity to watch my daughter grow up, that's awesome, and it is all that I want, but some things can't be unsaid, and the anger I feel towards her is too raw right now."

"That is perfectly understandable, Arizona. You have recognised the feelings you have right now, and you have chosen not to allow yourself to be in a situation where those feelings could cause problems. That's good."

"But? I sense there a but coming!" the blonde laughed.

"But, you need to allow those feelings to dissolve. You said it yourself, you want nothing more than to see Sofia, and the only thing that is stopping you, is the thought of being in the same room as Callie."

"Yes, that is right. You are right." Arizona sighed. She knew it was her own feelings that were getting in the way of her seeing her daughter. "I don't feel like I can be the best possible mother to my daughter right now though."

"You don't?" Wyatt questioned.

"No. I mean, look at me? I look awful. I'm attending meetings, and I'm seeing a therapist." the blonde snorted. "No offence."

"None taken, but you have to remember, a lot of people see therapists, Arizona. For all different reasons. That doesn't make you an incapable mother. That just makes you human."

"I know. I just need to figure some things out first, and then hopefully, I will see her before she goes home."

Dr Wyatt smiled at Arizona. She knew her client was trying, but she also knew of the pain the blonde had suffered over the last several months. "You are doing great, Arizona. Really great."

The blonde stood and thanked the other woman for her time. "So I will call you in a few days to schedule my next appointment."

"I look forward to hearing from you, Arizona. Take care of yourself, and keep doing what you are doing."

———————————————————————————————————————————————————

Standing in her kitchen, the blonde checked the clock over on the far wall. It was almost 4pm. Having spent the last hour in the yard, relaxing, she had come to the realisation that she couldn't wait any longer to see her daughter. Either of their lives could change in an instant, the blonde knew that. Hell, she had lived that many times over the last several years, and that fear alone, was enough to put all of her other feelings to the side. She needed to see Sofia, and Sofia needed to see her. 

She knew that she would feel all kinds of emotions when she finally held her, but she was willing to deal with that when it happened. Picking up her cell phone from the counter, she hit the messaging tab.

Can I arrange to see Sofia?

Her message to her ex wife was short and to the point. It didn't need to be all rainbows and butterflies, and as she waited for her reply, she wondered if she should arrange her visit with her daughter through one of her friends.

Of course you can. When would you like to see her? -Callie x

Staring down at the screen, Arizona felt a slight hint of guilt. She couldn't place the reason for feeling it, but as she looked at her ex wife's message, she quickly realised that Callie was trying to be civil with her. Something that hadn't happened in a while.

Would it be too much to see her this evening?

No. That would be no problem. Should I take her to Meredith’s so you can collect her? -Callie x

Arizona thought hard about her reply before hitting the screen. She was torn. She could see that Callie was trying, and had been for the past few weeks. The fact that she had made her way to New York to check if she was okay played a part in how she was feeling right now. She didn't want anything with her ex wife, and she still had a lot of anger for her and the situation she put them through, but right now, that was taking a back seat. The fact of the matter was, Callie had flown across the country to check on her, and the least she could do right now, was try to be civil with the other woman. 

As Arizona played out their last meeting in her head, a certain comment replayed over and over. I'm thinking of coming back. The blonde didn't know why her ex wife had divulged that particular piece of information to her, but to her, it meant that if Callie was to come back, for good, they would have to be civil eventually. She would be damned if her daughter was living back in the same city, and contact was minimal. Deciding to put her worries to one side, the blonde replied.

No, it's okay. You can bring her by.

You sure? I know you don't want to see anything of me anymore, and I understand why, so I can totally ask Mer? -Callie x

What did that mean? What exactly did Callie understand? The blonde was suddenly intrigued. Was she about to get an apology from her ex wife? Or was Callie just trying to keep the peace for the sake of their daughter?

I'm sure. 

Setting her phone back down, Arizona checked she had everything in order. She wanted this to be as normal for Sofia as possible.

Heading down to her bedroom and standing in front of the full length mirror, a small smile appeared on the blondes face. She was about to hold her daughters for the first time in six months, and her heart was pounding out of her chest.

Suddenly, the strongest sensation of butterflies she had ever felt settled in her stomach. Stepping back and looking at her entire body, she looked good. Not great, but a lot better than she had only a week ago. Her stomach was gaining a little definition from her weight training, and her arms didn't look thin and pale anymore. The blonde knew she was drop dead gorgeous, but when she was in training, she was even hotter. 

Making her way back out into kitchen, she decided to busy herself with making fresh coffee. Her cupboards and her refrigerator were stocked and anything Sofia wanted, she would get.

Hearing a light rasp at the door, Arizona stopped in her tracks. Oh god. What if she doesn't want to see me. What if she has a hundred and one questions for why I've been MIA, what if she isn't even with Callie? What if she didn't want to come? The blondes mind went into overdrive. She didn't need that right now, so after taking a couple of deep breaths, she crossed the short distance through the living room and placed her hand on the door handle.

Quickly running her free hand through her golden curls, she turned the handle, slowly opened the door, and gasped.

"MOMMY!!" Sofia ran to her mother and wrapped her arms around her lower body.

"Big girl, come here." the blonde instantly picked up her daughter and wrapped her arms around her. Mother and daughter both nuzzling into each others shoulder, Arizona sobbed. Hard.

"Mommy, why are you upset." Sofia didn't move from the comfort and safety of her mother's neck.

"Happy tears, baby girl. Happy tears." Arizona looked up at Callie through teary eyes. Callie flashed her million dollar smile as she watched the blonde embracing her daughter.

Mouthing a 'thank you' to her ex wife, Arizona received a nod and a wink before Callie turned and began walking down the porch steps. "You can come in if you like?"

"I don't want to use up any of your time with Sofia." Callie stopped and turned around to face her ex wife.

"You won't be." Arizona turned and made her way inside, her daughter still wrapped around her body. "I was thinking we could order in, Sof. What do you think?"

Inhaling her mother's scent, the little girl tightened her grip. "Mm, pizza mommy! I missed having pizza with you."

"I did too, baby girl. I did too." Arizona looked back at the door and motioned for her ex wife to come inside. "Pizza okay with you, Callie?"

"Pizza sounds perfect." the brunette sighed as she closed the door behind her. She couldn't believe Arizona had gotten in contact with her today, and now, the fact that she had been invited in for dinner, left her feeling a slight relief towards the situation. 

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Dinner went by fairly easy. Not many words where exchanged between the two women, but it was a comfortable silence. Callie was happy to sit back and leave her daughter to spend time with her other mother.

She couldn't help but notice that Arizona was looking good. Better than the last time they had met, and she would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about her ex wife all week.

The brunette knew she needed to have a serious think about things, and possibly even re-evaluate her life, but right now, it was nice to see her daughter finally happy, and back where she should be.

Deciding she didn't want to cause any problems tonight, the brunette made a mental note to speak with Arizona at a later date. Right now, she wanted the pair to enjoy their time together, and she wasn't about to do anything to jeopardise that.

"Mommy? Do I still have my room here?" Sofia looked up into cerulean pools with a little sadness.

Shocked at the question, Arizona tore her gaze away from the Disney movie they were currently watching, and gave her daughter a sad smile. "Of course you do, big girl. Why would you think I didn't?"

"You didn't want me anymore." the little girl snuggled into the side of the blonde.

Feeling the tears well up in her eyes, Arizona glanced over to the ex wife sitting separately from them and gave her a 'shit, what do I say?' kind of look. Quickly realising she didn't need the brunette to give her any help, she fixed her gaze back onto her daughter. 

"Oh, Sof, I did want you. I wanted you more than anything." steadying herself for the conversation she was about to have, the blonde continued. "But you have a new home now, in New York. You live with mama now, and penny, but I will still always love you. You know that, right?"

"I don't want to live with mama and penny. I don't like my new home. It has an elevator and it's small." the miniature brunette shrugged. "It doesn't have a yard like you do."

"But it will get better, Sof. I promise. You will have lots of new friends. You just have to give it some time." Arizona couldn't help but look over at her ex wife.

Callie sat there shocked. She knew her daughter missed Seattle, but hearing her daughter tell the blonde that she didn't want to live with her and Penny broke her heart. The brunettes mind began working in overdrive.

"I don't like living with penny. She doesn't make pancakes with me, or play with me, and I don't get to play like I used to." Sofia explained.

"Well, maybe you could ask her to do those things with you? I'm sure if you asked her, she would love to make pancakes with you." Arizona tried to be as nonchalant as possible.

"I have." the little girl sighed.

"Oh." giving the brunette a quizzical look, one which held a hint of anger, Arizona continued to stare at her ex wife whilst stroking her daughters hair. "How about you stay with Mommy tonight?"

Arizona watched the brunettes expression, gaining a nod from her, she waited for Sofia to answer.

"Can I?" The little girls face lit up as she looked at Arizona, before shifting her gaze over to Callie. "Mama, can I, please?" Sofia clasped her hands together.

"Yes, Mija. You can." Callie smiled at the sight of her daughters excitement. She had never stopped her daughter from seeing Arizona, but after hearing their last conversation, she wanted her to stay with her. She wanted her to have a little normality in her life, and she wanted to be able to go back to her hotel room and have a serious think, and talk with herself.

"Yay, Mommy, this is going to be awesome." Sofia jumped up and down on the couch.

"It is, baby. Mommy has to be somewhere in the morning, but how about I pick you back up from mama afterwards and we will spend the day together?" Arizona questioned. She had to be at her therapists office in the morning. She would love nothing more than to spend the entire day with her daughter, but she had promised herself when she started her sessions that she wouldn't miss any. She needed to keep a routine going for herself.

"Yay. Can I pick what we do tomorrow?" The miniature brunette asked.

"You bet. Anything at all." the blonde excused herself from the couch and moved into the kitchen to make some fresh coffee. Her daughter, now engrossed in the lion king, bopped her head to the music.

Arizona motioned for her ex wife to join her in the kitchen. The blonde offered Callie a coffee, and once out of ear shot, she began questioning her daughters comments earlier.

"So, I think you need to speak to Penny. I'm not trying to get involved in your love life, to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t care any less about it, but if it's making Sofia unhappy, you have to talk to penny." Arizona spoke calmly, barely above a whisper.

"I can't." Callie shook her head.

"What do you mean, you can't? You live with the woman. You have a new life with her. You have to communicate, Callie." Arizona snorted.

"What is that supposed to mean? I do communicate." the brunette furrowed her brow.

"Oh, really? Look, I'm not getting into this with you, I don't want to know about your new life, it has nothing to do with me, but for the sake of Sofia and her happiness, you have to make sure she is included at home." the blonde sighed.

"We don't talk. I barely see her. When she is home, she is sleeping, and when she isn't working, she is out with her friends." Callie dropped her gaze.

"Well, you had better figure it out quick, because I don't want my daughter in another state, miserable." Arizona poured the coffee and refused to look at Callie.

"I know. I should probably go after I've finished my coffee. I don't want to be here, if you don't want me to be." the brunette sighed as she sipped on the hot liquid.

"Stop making this about you, Callie. If I didn't want you here, I wouldn't of invited you in. I just, I don't need your drama on top of my own." the blonde climbed up onto a kitchen stool. "Im finally managing."

"I'm sorry." Brown eyes locked onto blue. "Arizona, d-do you think we could make a go of being friends? I'd really like to be your friend. I hate all of this arguing. Its not us."

"I don't know." Arizona refused to lose to her gaze. "I don't know if we can ever be friends, Callie. You hurt me so much, hell, you even drove me to drink, and I just don't know what is what anymore."

Tears threatened to fall from chocolate brown eyes as Callie took in the words of the other woman. "God, this is so messed up, Arizona. I never ever meant to hurt you. I wish you would of spoken to me about everything you were feeling."

"Callie, I couldn't even bare to hear your voice, or see you, so there was no way I was ever going to let you in on my alcohol problems. Not when it was all I felt I had left. Me and alcohol, we became best friends.” the blonde shrugged as she moved away from her ex wife. 

“H-How long has it been going on, Arizona? How bad did it get?” the brunettes voice broke.

“It started two days after I left, and well, its been about a month since my last drink.” Arizona spoke quietly. It felt good to talk to someone about her problems, but she wasn't sure Callie Torres was the best person to talk to. 

“How bad, Arizona?” 

“It, um, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I've stopped. I’ve stopped, and I'm fixing myself.” the blonde thought about the worst days of her life. Thinking about it helped. It helped her to realise how she could of messed up her life for good. 

\---FLASHBACK---

“Shit!” Arizona woke to find her hotel door ajar, and her body naked. Glancing around the room with one eye open, she could already feel the splitting headache coming on. “What the fuck happened last night?” 

Pulling herself up and sitting on the edge of the bed, she slipped on her prosthetic, before wrapping herself up in the sheet. Her mind was blank. She remembered nothing. Standing, and swaying for sometime, she felt a wave of nausea hit her. “Fuck!” 

Talking to herself was a common occurrence lately, and as she made her way through the living area of her hotel room, she noticed a piece of paper with writing on it, lay on the small coffee table. 

Wow, you really know how to make a girl scream. Last night was fun. Call me. I’ve left my number in your cell. -Brianna. Xxx

“Oh for the love of god. Arizona, you are a fucking mess!” Arizona ran her fingers through messy curls. Taking herself off to the bathroom, she decided to shower before she done anything else. Needing to wash off whatever happened last night, she stepped into the shower. Finding love bites on her neck, left breast, and right shoulder, the blonde cringed. “Oh god. I’m supposed to be a fucking world class surgeon. Not a whore who does someone in some random state and doesn't even remember it.” 

Deciding she had had enough of looking at her naked body, Arizona shut off the shower and stepped out. Wrapping herself up in a soft white robe, she towelled her hair dry, and made her way back into the living area. 

Picking up her cell, she searched her contacts and found that the woman from last night, had indeed, stored her cell number. Feeling a little fragile, and unsure of what happened last night, the blonde hit the message tab.

Hey, It’s Arizona. What the hell happened last night?

Placing her cell phone back down, she waited for a response. “God, I hope she is joking.” Arizona knew she had messed up. She had gotten so drunk last night that she had potentially slept with someone and recalled nothing. She knew she was putting herself in danger. Hearing her cell buzz, she quickly retrieved it from its spot on the table.

Hey, I wondered when i’d hear from you. You don't remember? You were totally gone so I guess it makes sense. All I will say, is check your camera roll. -Brianna. X

Swallowing hard, the blonde hit the photos tab on her cell and began scrolling through her pictures. Many of them, perfectly fine. The blonde and another woman, in a club, taking selfie’s, kissing, dancing. Generally having a good night. As she scrolled back to the top of her camera roll, she found a video. Whatever she had filmed, looked pretty dark. Closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose, she hit the play button. 

Eyes widening, she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Almost gagging, she hit the pause button and deleted the video before she even had chance to finish watching it. “Oh god.” The blonde felt the bitter taste of bile rising in her throat as the video she had just watched played over in her mind. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Robbins. You really need to sort your shit out.” Arizona sat glaring at the wall. She couldn't believe she had just watched herself, being filmed by the other woman, going down on her, and looking like she was really enjoying the moment. Yes, Arizona Robbins had a sex tape. Sure, she had enjoyed sleeping around with women before she was involved with Callie, but this? This was extreme. The thought of her, lying between another woman’s legs, oblivious to the fact she was being filmed, left her feeling frightened and very very worried. 

Tears began to fall as she realised the severity of her drinking. She had to stop, but when the moment was right, she loved it. She loved the feeling of freedom that alcohol left her with. She loved not giving a damn after being so serious for the last 7 years of her life. 

She loved the feeling alcohol gave her, but as she replayed the video in her mind once again, she knew it had to stop. It had to stop before it got any worse, if that was even possible right now. 

\---

“Um, earth to Arizona?” Callie waved her hand in front of her ex wife’s face. 

“W-What? Oh, um, sorry.” the blonde shook her head. The thoughts of her drinking overtaking her body left her completely zoned out. 

“Where the hell did you just go?” the brunette had watched the look on the blondes face while she thought about, well, whatever it is she was thinking about. 

“Oh, nowhere. I was just thinking.” Arizona remembered the conversation which had just led to such thoughts. “It, uh, it was bad, Callie.”

“I figured. Are you okay? You didn't look too good just then.” Callie questioned.

“Yeah, I'm fine. I should get Sofia to bed, if its still okay for her to stay with me.” Arizona furrowed her brow. She didn't know what her ex wife thought of her right now, and truth be told, she wouldn't blame her if she didn't want Arizona around her daughter. 

“Of course its okay. Why wouldn't it be?” the brunette furrowed her brow. She knew Arizona had been having problems, and as the days went on, and the blonde opened up a little more to her ex wife, Callie was quickly realising, most of these problems, where down to her. 

“I, um, I don’t know. I guess I was just checking.” Arizona shrugged. 

“Okay. Well, I'm going to head off back to the hotel. Should I collect her in the morning?” Callie stood from the stool and made her way over to her daughter. 

“No, its okay. I can drop her on the way to my session.” Arizona gave a small smile.

“You have a session tomorrow? W-With your therapist?” the brunette questioned. 

“Yeah. I’ll pick Sofia back up though after it.” the blonde made her way to the front door and waited for Callie to say goodnight to the miniature brunette sitting on her couch.

“Okay, well, I hope it goes well. Y-You know where I am if you want to talk.” the brunette stepped around her ex wife and stood on the porch. 

“I’ll be fine. I told you, I'm managing better now.”

Callie made her way down the steps of the porch and slid into her car. Glancing back up at the already closed door, she wondered if Arizona would ever forgive her for the way she had allowed things to go. She may not, but the brunette knew she had to try. She had to try for the sake of her daughter, and for her ex wife. She was quickly realising that she had created this mess, and now, it was time to try and clean it up once and for all.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

 

As the sun beat down on the residents of Seattle, Arizona felt good. She had spent the night with her daughter for the first time in six months, and right now, nothing else mattered. Having dropped Sofia off at Callie’s hotel, she was now stood outside her car, and ready to make her way up to the third floor for her session with Dr Wyatt. 

Things where different. Everything felt different. Walking through the parking lot, she noticed the distinct smell of fall in the air. One of her favourite scents. Fall was the blondes most desired times of year. It brought about so much beauty in the city, and as she watched the leaves fall from the trees, one by one, she knew her life was finally on the up. 

\---FLASHBACK---

Arizona woke to find a messy haired Sofia staring back at her. Smiling as she looked into her daughters beautiful deep brown eyes, she pulled her in for a snuggle and refused to let her leave the comfortable warm confines of Arizona’s king size bed. “Good morning, little miss.” 

“Mommy, I’m glad i’m here. It makes me happy.” Sofia smiled as she felt the safety of her mother’s arms. 

“It does? Well, that makes me happy.” Arizona felt her heart swell in her chest. She had missed this feeling. The feeling of the perfect life, and the feeling of having everything she would ever need. She knew it wasn't permanent, but nothing in life ever was. 

As the realisation hit her, that her daughter was not here to stay, she closed her eyes and waited for the lump in her throat to subside. Feeling her daughter rub her arm, she opened her eyes. 

“Mommy, are you sad?” the miniature brunette questioned.

“No, baby. Mommy is so happy that you are here.” the blonde smiled. “Now, what do you say to the idea of us making some pancakes?” 

“Yes, yes, yes. I love our pancakes, Mommy. They taste de-lic-ious.” Sofia released herself from her mothers grip and jumped up and down on the bed.

“Oh, they are, huh?” Arizona tickled her daughter, causing a screech of laughter to travel through the house. “Well, you better not tell anybody. I don't want them knowing our recipe.”

“My lips are sealed, Mommy.” Sofia jumped down from the bed and ran down the hallway.

Arizona laughed at how grown up her daughter was becoming. The thought of not being there for that caused her heart to pound. As she felt her chest beginning to constrict, she sat down on the edge of the bed, and concentrated on her breathing. “Come on, Robbins. Everything is good right now.” 

After what seemed like forever, her breathing returned to normal, and when she was satisfied that she was good to go, she stood, and made her way down the hallway.

Grabbing her cell phone from the kitchen counter, she hit the message tab. 

I’ll drop Sofia around 10:30am. Is that time okay for you? -Arizona.

Arizona suspected that her ex wife had been waiting for her to contact her, and judging by the swiftness of the brunettes reply, she was right.

Sure. Did she behave herself? -Callie X

She did. No problems this end. - Arizona.

Great, i’ll see you in a few hours then. -Callie X

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

The blonde now stood at the door of her therapists office. Lightly knocking on the door, she was welcomed inside. 

“Arizona, its good to see you.” Dr Wyatt noticed the immediate change in the blonde.

“You too.” Arizona took a seat in her usual spot and waited for her session to start. For reasons unknown, she wasn't feeling as nervous this time around. 

“So, have you anything to share with me? Any progress?”

“Yes. Sofia stayed with me last night.” The blonde couldn't get her words out fast enough.

“She did?” Wyatt looked surprised. “Thats wonderful.”

“It is. It was lovely to have her at home with me. She is so grown up.” Arizona smiled. “We had a wonderful morning, and I'm going to collect her once I've finished up here.” 

“Thats great, Arizona. How was it to see Callie again?” 

“It was, um, fine. Yeah it was fine. She stayed and had dinner with us.” Arizona knew her therapist was waiting for a more in depth answer. “She didn't interrupt my time with Sofia, which was what I was worried about, and neither of us became confrontational, which is a bonus I guess. We did have a discussion, but I kept my cool.

“A discussion?” Wyatt furrowed her brow.

“Yes. Sofia made some comments about not wanting to live with Callie and her new girlfriend. From what I could make out, Penny doesn't do things with Sofia, and she has figured that out.” 

“And that caused a discussion?”

“It did. I asked Callie to speak with Penny about getting a little more involved. I don't want my daughter being miserable because she doesn't like her mom’s new girlfriend. Sofia should come first.” Arizona ran her fingers through her hair. “Things aren’t good with them at the moment. Callie isn't happy, or at least thats how it seemed.” 

“And you were okay with her putting all of this out there?” 

“Well, no. I told her I wasn't interested in her love life. I told her to sort out her own relationship, and her girlfriends relationship with our daughter.” 

“Thats good. I’m happy that you are spending time with your daughter, Arizona, but you must remember this journey is all about you. Not your ex wife, or her girlfriend.”

“I know. I think Callie got that. I think at one point, she was trying to apologise. I don't know. Maybe it was just me dropping my guard.”

“An apology?”

“I don’t know. At first she said she understood why I didn't want to be around her, which to me, would suggest that she knows what she done was wrong.” Arizona shrugged. “Then she asked if we could try to be friends.”

“And do you think that is possible? Do you think you could ever forgive her for what has happened?” 

“I don’t know. I’m not perfect, we both know that, but I don't know.” The blonde closed her eyes and took a breath. “I know what I have done in the past was wrong, and I have apologised profusely, but I don't think she understands the severity of her actions. I think she may be slowly realising, but I could be wrong. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. If we become friends again, then thats fine, but I wont lose any sleep over the loss of a friendship that would probably be built on a guilty conscience.”

“You sound pretty certain of that, Arizona.”

“I am. I have spent the last few years trying to be better for Callie. I’ve tried to make her love me, and I’ve tried to not rock the boat, but I'm done. I’m done trying to please other people. I want contact with my daughter, that is the most important thing to come out of this.”

“You are heading in the right direction, Arizona.”

“I feel good. I’ve been working out for the past week and that is really helping.”

“I’m happy for you. It is surprising what exercising can do, not only for your body, but for your mind too. You are looking much healthier, Arizona.”

“Thanks, Dr Wyatt.” Checking the clock, Arizona knew her time was up. “I guess i’ll be heading out.”

“Have a wonderful day with your daughter, Arizona. You both deserve to spend some time together.”

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Arizona left Meredith’s house and climbed into her car, without her daughter. She had spent the afternoon at the park with Sofia and her day had been one of the best she'd had in some time.

After leaving Dr Wyatt’s office around lunch time, she made her way back to Callie's hotel and picked her daughter back up. Sofia was excited at the thought of having a sleep over with Zola.

The blonde was happy for her daughter. She wanted nothing more than to see her happy, and she knew she was happiest here in Seattle.

Driving away from the general surgeons home, she thought about asking Callie how much longer she would be here for. Now that she was feeling more like herself, she wanted to spend as much time as possible with her daughter.

Deciding to leave it a little longer, Arizona made her way back to an empty home. Stepping inside, she felt a wave of sadness crash through her body. No sooner had her feeling of happiness came, it had disappeared. When she was at home this morning, her daughter was running around, and now, it was empty. 

She knew this would happen. She knew as soon as she had Sofia in her arms, she wouldn't be able to let her go, and right now, she wasn't sure she could handle losing her again.

Checking the time, she set off for the bedroom and changed into some grey yoga pants, and a lemon off the shoulder oversized top. The muscle definition in her shoulders evident.

Heading back out into the kitchen, she pulled a bottle of chilled white wine from the refrigerator and poured a small helping into a large glass.

Bringing her nose closer to the glass, she took in the scent of the beverage she had chosen. The attack on her senses left her feeling a little light headed. Taking a small sip, she smiled. That tastes good. Arizona knew what she was doing was a bad idea, but she just wanted to relax and unwind after a wonderful day with her daughter.

A wonderful day, which had taken a turn the second she stepped through her front door. Arizona could deny it all she wanted to, but right now, she was drinking for a reason. She knew that, but one small glass wouldn't hurt. That was what she would always tell herself.

Taking a seat on the couch, and pulling a blanket up over her legs, she closed her eyes. Images of her daughter laughing and running through the park flashed around in her mind. She loved seeing her daughter happy, and the fact that Sofia had openly commented on her other mothers new love, left Arizona feeling sad for her daughter. She didn't want Sofia to be upset in her own home, she wanted her to thrive and grow up to be a confident young woman. Something which she would inherit from both of her mothers. 

Finishing off her glass of wine, she moved back into the kitchen, and poured another glass. The fact that she was doing it without even realising it, was worrying. Taking a large gulp, she leaned back against the kitchen counter. Feeling the alcohol burn as it travelled down her throat, she took a deep breath before finishing off her second glass. Its just one night. One night of unwinding, that's all.

Before the blonde had realised it, she was almost moving onto her second bottle. It didn't matter, no one was here to stop her, and that's how it would always be.

Laughing to herself, the blonde realised she was quickly becoming intoxicated. It felt good, and after being sober for over a month, it was a welcome relief. She wouldn't drink too much, she had already told herself that, but somehow, she had ended up opening her second bottle of wine.

Sitting down on the cold hard wood flooring, she placed her wine glass down on one side, and her bottle on the other. At this moment in time, Arizona didn't care that she shouldn't be drinking, she didn't care if it was going to undo all of the hard work she had done over the last month. She was now officially drinking to forget. Her daughter was going back home soon, and she couldn't deal with it. Not again, and not after spending time with her the past two days.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Callie made her way through the streets of Seattle, a little light music playing from her car radio. She had spent the past 24 hours thinking things through. After speaking to Arizona the previous night, she couldn't help but feel a strong sense of guilt. She had never wanted the court hearing to happen, and she had always maintained that, but she was beginning to understand the blondes point of view when she had accused Callie of being the one to cause the situation. 

The brunette had become too wrapped up in her new relationship, not realising that Arizona was in fact, not coping with it as well as she was showing everybody. 

Deciding she needed to clear her head, she climbed in her car, and made her way towards Arizona’s home. She hoped the blonde would be willing to talk to her, and she also had a couple of things she wanted to run by her. 

Callie stepped up to the front porch and lightly rasped on the door. It was almost 9pm, and she wasn't sure if Arizona would still be awake. It had been a busy day for the blonde, and she was sure that Sofia would of worn her out at the park.

Finding no response from her knocking, she called Arizona’s cell phone. Hearing it ringing from inside the house, she knocked again. Nothing. The lights where on, but Arizona wasn't answering.

Feeling a little uneasiness settle in, Callie worried that something was wrong. She couldn't figure out why she felt like that, but something was telling her that there was a problem.

Making her way around the side of the house, the brunette peered through the window to find Arizona lay face down on the floor near to the entrance of the hallway. Fuck, Arizona.

Making her way back around to the front of the house, she checked the plant pot which stood next to the door. Finding the spare key, she let herself in. She could see that the blonde was clearly breathing, and around her, she found three empty bottles of wine. 

Kneeling down in front of her ex wife, she gently shook her to wake her. Hearing the blonde mumble against the floor, she tried again. “Arizona, it’s Callie.”

“Mm, Callie?” the blonde murmured. 

“Yes, its me. I need you to get up off of the floor. Come on.” Callie tried to place an arm underneath her ex wife, but it was harder than she first thought. “Come on, Arizona. I’m going to need you to help me out a little here.”

The blonde let out a laugh. Hearing her own words slur, she cleared her throat and lifted her head. Dark blue eyes met saddened chocolate brown. “Callie, w-why are you here?” 

“I came here to talk to you.” the brunette sighed. Turning the blonde over and sitting her up, she dragged her body around and leant her against the wall. “What the hell are you doing to yourself, Arizona?” 

“Nothing, I'm not doing anything. Just unwinding.” Arizona’s words barely made any sense. “You can go now.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Arizona. Do you realise how messed up you look right now?” Callie couldn't believe what she had walked into. It broke her heart to see Arizona looking this way. 

“Well, turn yourself around, and walk out that door. Then you don't have to look at the embarrassment your ex wife has become.” the blonde scoffed.

“Arizona, please. I want to help you, but you are making it difficult when you talk to me like that.” the brunette wondered how much longer this hostility would continue for.

Staring down at her ex wife, Callie felt her heart breaking by the second. Arizona, the world class surgeon, the mother of her daughter, the most amazing woman ever to come into her life, was propped up against the wall and unable to hold her own head up. It not only saddened her, but it angered her. She was angry at herself for letting the blonde get herself into this situation, and she was angry at the universe for throwing so much shit at them over the years. Watching as the blonde lifted her head up and rested it against the back of the wall, she noticed the black rings around her once beautiful eyes. Her hair, limp and lifeless, and her eyes, now rolling to the back of her head as she tried to form a sentence. 

“Come on, lets get you into bed.” Callie reached out a hand.

“Mm, never thought i’d hear those words come out of your mouth again.” Arizona laughed as she tried to get to her feet. 

“Arizona, please.” the brunette sighed as she placed an arm around her waist and guided her down the hallway.

“Please what? What do you want, Callie?” Arizona raised her voice. 

Determined to keep calm, Callie took a breath. “What I want right now is for you to get into bed. I want to know you are safe before I leave you.” 

“Fine, I'm in bed. See.” Arizona childishly flung her arms around the bed. 

“Yes. Yes you are. Goodnight, Arizona.” the brunette placed an empty trash can next to the blondes bed, turned out the light, and walked down the hallway. 

Stepping back into the living room, she felt a need to stay. She didn't like what she had just witnessed, and right now, the doctor in her told her to stay close by. Finding a blanket already spread on the couch, she slipped off her boots and snuggled down. She hoped the blonde would talk in the morning, but in this moment, she wasn't hopeful. Pulling the blanket up closer to her, she was immediately attacked by her ex wife’s scent. She loved that scent. It reminded her of so much happiness, and a little heartbreak. Closing her eyes, she prayed the Arizona wouldn't be mad at her in the morning. She just wanted to make sure she was okay. 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Callie woke to the sound of her ex wife down the hallway. Gathering herself, she realised it was still dark outside, and as she turned to check the clock, her suspicions where confirmed. It was the middle of the night. 

Slowly making her way down towards Arizona’s bedroom, she pushed the door open gently and was met with the most heartbreaking sight. Her ex wife, head hanging off the bed, emptying the contents of her stomach into the can next to her. Thankfully, she had somehow managed to pull her hair into a messy bun before heaving. 

“Arizona?” Callie’s voice broke. “A-Are you okay?”

“C-Callie?” the blonde sobbed. “Callie, how did you get in here?” she had no idea what was going on right now, and was confused as to why her ex wife was standing in the doorway to her bedroom. 

“Ive been here for a while. I didn't leave earlier.” the brunette explained.

“W-What? You were here earlier? I, um” Arizona sighed “I d-don’t remember.”

“It’s okay.” Callie noticed the blonde had sobered up quite a lot. “How are you feeling?”

Feeling her body shake, Arizona dropped her head back onto her pillow. “Like crap. I’m sorry. You don't need to be here.”

“I do, Arizona. I’m sorry, but I do.” the brunette moved into the bedroom.

Feeling the mattress dip beside her, Arizona lifted her head up. “Please go, Callie. I don't need looking after. I’m an embarrassment.”

“No, you're not. Please don't say that. You just, you've had a rough time.” Callie could feel the guilt ripping through her body once again. “You’ve had a rough time, and that is all my fault. I get it. I just, I have to be here. I have to make sure you are okay.” 

Getting no reply from her ex wife, the brunette stood from her bed and made her way over to the door. “If your feeling better, I’ll head back down the hallway.”

Stepping outside of the room, she was about to pull the door closed when she heard the blondes voice.

“Callie?” Arizona spoke barely above a whisper.

“Yeah?” the brunette responded as she moved her body slightly back inside the room.

“C-Can, um, can y-you stay?” the blondes voice now hoarse from the retching. 

“Yes, I’ll stay. I’ll just be down the hall if you need me.” Callie gave a sad smile.

“No, Can you stay, h-here with me?” Arizona couldn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth, but they had, and it was truly what she wanted, and believed she needed right now. 

“Um, yeah. If t-thats what you want?” the brunette closed the door behind her but hesitated.

“It is.” Arizona felt the bed dip once again. Feeling a relief pass through her, she felt Callie slip into the bed behind her. “Can you hold me?” 

No words were spoken from that moment on. Callie slipped her right arm around a toned stomach and held on tight. There was no sexual feeling, or want from Callie, only the feeling of the safety she provided to the blonde right now. Feeling her ex wife melt back into her body, sleep quickly took over both women. 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Callie woke to find a mess of golden curls splayed out on the pillow next to her. As she lay back and found a spot to focus on above her, she knew things were bad.

Lying next to the blonde, she wondered how things had gotten so messed up. Had Arizona been troubled before the court hearing? Is that why she took it to court in the first place? She needed to find answers, and doing it whilst lying in her ex wife's bed wasn't going to help.

Slowly removing herself from the covers, she glanced back at the blonde and shook her head. This is bad. Closing the bedroom door quietly behind her, she made her way down to the hall and pulled out her cell phone.

Hey, is Sofia okay with Zola for a little while longer? I have somewhere I need to be. -C x

Sure. Zola is happy to have Sofia visiting. Take all the time you need. Hope Robbins is okay? - Mer 

No. No she's not. Thanks, Mer. 

Callie took it upon herself to make a pot of fresh coffee. She wasn't sure Arizona even wanted her in her house, but after picking her up off the floor last night, she wasn't leaving. Not until she had spoken to the extremely hungover blonde.

Making her way out into the yard, she took a seat and thought about the conversation she would have with her ex wife. Things needed fixing, and they needed fixing fast. The brunette had been proud of Arizona for not giving into the alcohol which had consumed her for the last six months, so to say she was shocked when she found her last night was an understatement.

Sipping on the hot black caffeine relief, she dropped her aviators over her chocolate brown eyes and thought back to a few weeks previous in New York.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————

\---FLASHBACK---

Callie stood at the kitchen counter making pancakes for her daughter. Penny was due to arrive home from her night shift at the hospital, and she figured if she made the red head some breakfast, maybe today would be more pleasant than the past few days.

Hearing her cell phone buzz, she made her way into the living room and retrieved it from the coffee table.

**She's back. -Bailey **

Eyes widening as she looked down at the screen, she felt a relief wash over her. “Oh thank god. Thank god.” Callie had told herself that the problems her ex wife was having were nothing to do with her, but after speaking with her on a number of occasions, the blonde had made sure to tell Callie exactly how she felt.

She didn't reply to the message which had come through moments earlier, she simply continued with her task in the kitchen, and thought about what she was going to do. Hearing Penny come through the door, the brunette sighed and wondered how their morning talk was going to go.

"Morning." Callie flashed her gorgeous smile.

"Ugh, morning." the red head moved into the living room and flopped down on the couch.

"How was your shift? I've made you some breakfast." the brunette wanted to keep the conversation light right now. Her daughter was only feet away watching morning television.

"That hospital is kicking my ass. Um, I mean butt." Penny gave her girlfriend an awkward smile. "I'm good for breakfast. I just grabbed something before my shift ended."

"Oh. Okay." Callie shrugged. "Mija, why don't you go down the hallway and pick out some clothes for today?"

"Okay, mama. Hi Penny." the little girl waved as she got up from the couch and made her way down towards her bedroom.

"Hey." the redhead sighed.

"So, I have something I need to talk to you about." Callie stepped around the kitchen island and stood behind then back of the couch.

"Can it wait, Cal. I'm ready to sleep." Penny groaned.

"No. No it can't wait. All I do is wait, and I'm done with waiting." the brunette stated.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Penny scoffed. "I'm working. I'm always working."

"Oh you don't have to tell me that. I'm fully aware of it!" Callie ran her fingers through messy dark curls. "Arizona is back."

"Um, good for her?" the red head rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. It is actually. So I'm going to head back to Seattle with Sofia for a little while and check in on her." the brunette simply announced.

"Uh, why? She isn't your problem anymore, Callie." Penny snorted. She had just about had enough of the woman who walked away from her daughter. If Penny was to be completely honest, she kind of wished that Arizona would of won full custody of Callie's daughter. It would of been one less headache for her. 

"She is the mother of my child, so yeah, she is my problem." Callie moved back into the kitchen and grabbed her coffee.

"Oh, right! So you are just going to go back there and fix her?" The red head stood and raised her voice.

"Keep your damn voice down, Penny." Callie spat. "and no, I'm not going to 'fix' her. I'm taking her daughter to see her, and see how things are going at Grey Sloan. Arizona had made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want any help from me.”

"Oh, so you are going to let that mess take care of your daughter? You are going to trust her with Sofia’s care? You're crazy!" penny couldn't be bothered to even have this conversation.

"That mess you talk about? That is my daughters mother. You have no idea what she is going through. You have no idea because you are never here, and when you are here, you don't want to know. You don't speak to me. It’s like I don't exist.” Callie tried to remain calm. She wasn't sure there was even a relationship left between her and Penny, and right now, she didn't care.

"I'm not doing this, Callie. I'm going to bed." penny turned to leave. "But if you do go, don't bother coming back here. You can't fix everyone, Callie. If you would rather go back to Seattle and fix your relationship with your ex wife, than stay here and fix ours, I won't stand in your way."

"Fix our relationship? Oh come on, you don't even want us here." Callie scoffed.

"I do want YOU here." Penny pointed at her girlfriend.

Eyes widened as the brunette realised what penny was saying. "But you don't want Sofia here."

"Catch you later, Calliope. I'm heading to bed."

Just like that, Penny was gone, and Callie was left standing in the middle of her kitchen, confused, and angry. Hearing the words come from her girlfriends mouth confirmed everything the brunette had thought. There was nothing in New York for her, or her daughter. 

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Callie sat with a now cold cup of coffee in her ex wife's yard. Feeling hot tears roll down her cheeks, she allowed herself to just be in the moment. She had often wondered if penny wanted Sofia like she had first thought, and now, she was pretty certain that Penny had fucked up on the stand on purpose. Of course she knew what grade Sofia was in, so why would she get it wrong when asked by Arizona's lawyer?

The brunette was brought out of her thoughts when she heard a certain blonde clearing her throat behind her. Lifting her sunglasses, she's wiped away her tears and stood to face Arizona.

"Hey, I, um, I made some coffee. Can I get you some?" Callie questioned.

Unable to meet the brunettes gaze, Arizona continued to stare at the floor. "Um, no. I need to go take a shower." the blonde felt disgusting.

"Okay, you go take a shower, and I'll fix you up some breakfast." Callie smiled. She could see the devastation on her ex wife's face. "Its okay, Arizona."

"Its not, Callie." the blonde shook her head. "Its not okay, and you can't be here right now."

Before Callie had a chance to reply, the blonde was gone.

Arizona remembered the words Callie had spoken the night before. How she had admitted that she was to blame for everything that had happened, and at first, she felt a little relief, but in the light of day, she knew things where far from okay.

She had once again, gotten so drunk that she didn't remember anything. Callie was stood in her yard, but she had no idea how the brunette had got there, or what she found when she had entered Arizona’s home. That was enough to make her gag. The thought of her ex wife walking in on her unconscious in a drunken mess, left her feeling disgusting, embarrassed and unworthy of anything the brunette had to offer.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six:

Arizona sat on the floor of her shower. Her mind, flashing to every possible scenario. What happened last night. What caused her to drink? She had enjoyed the day with her daughter, but somehow, she managed to ruin everything.

Why had Callie stayed? Why was she still here this morning? And why did she agree to hold Arizona the night before?

The blondes mind went into overdrive. She couldn't have Callie in her home. She couldn't allow herself to fall apart in front of her ex wife. Not now, not ever. As the water cascaded down over her body, Arizona watched as her entire relationship flashed before her eyes. 

\---FLASHBACKS---  
“I love your daughter, and I protect the things I love.” 

“We are together, because I love you, and you love me, and none of the rest of it matters.” 

“I love you so much, and I can’t live without you and our ten kids.”

“I am in love with you, Calliope, and you are in love with me, and all I am asking for is one more chance.”

“Can you just…Can you live? Can you live, for me?”

“But what i’ve learned, is that I don't need much, I don't need much to be happy. I don't even need two legs, but I do know that I need you. I need Sofia, and I need you.” 

\---

The realisation suddenly hit her like a train. She needed Callie, she had always needed her, and no matter how much she pushed her away, she knew in her heart, Callie Torres had to be the one constant in her life. Friends, she had to make things right with her ex wife, and they had to have a friendship. That alone would ensure her daughters happiness, it would also ensure her own, and if all went to plan, Callie’s too. 

She was fine with the fact that Callie was dating, she had fully expected that to happen, and if having a friendship with her ex wife meant that she would be able to see Sofia more often, then that is what she would do. Stepping out of the shower, she sat herself on the floor and leaned against the bathtub. Closing her eyes and allowing herself a moment to think, her mind flashed back to the day they ended their relationship for good. 

\---  
“I love you, Calliope, I love you. Life without you terrifies me, and the world is just making less and less sense, and like I don't even know what I'm doing at work anymore, but the thing that I need, is my anchor. It’s you, I need you, and you're the only thing that I will ever need.”  
\---

Removing herself from the cold floor, she grabbed her robe and wrapped it around her body. Heading out and into her bedroom, she wondered if Callie would meet with her today. She needed to get some things off of her chest, and if she didn't do it soon, she would find herself in a drunken mess once again. Suddenly feeling an uncertainty settle in her stomach, she remembered Callie’s last words to her before she walked out of the therapists office. 

\---  
“I don’t want to do it anymore. I don't want to fix it, or fix us anymore. Maybe instead of loving you so hard, I should….I should be myself for a while. I should love me, and you should love you. I want so much for you, Arizona, for both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free too.”  
\---

Arizona stood in her bedroom and was now suddenly second guessing herself. Callie had already admitted to not wanting to fix things between them. She had openly stated that she felt stuck, so why would she now want to take that back, and help the blonde. Arizona didn't know what to do. Do I talk to her? Do I offer a friendship to her, like she did me the other day? Whats the point? She will go back off to New York and i’ll get to see Sofia on a handful of occasions every year. 

Deciding that she needed some caffeine in her body, Arizona put on some clean yoga pants, and a tight fitting vest top. She needed to work out. She needed to work out and clear her head. What happened last night could never happen again. Not only the drinking, but her ex wife ever being in her bed again. It wasn't right, and she knew that if she let that happen again, any feelings she may of suppressed deep down, would more than likely resurface. 

She hated feeling vulnerable, especially in front of the brunette, but the more she thought about it, the more she felt the need to thank Callie for being with her last night. She knew it couldn't of been very comfortable for the other woman, but the fact that she stayed, and held her, left Arizona feeling a little conflicted, and thankful. 

Making her way down the hall and into the kitchen, Arizona felt a pounding headache begin to approach. Unsure of whether it was caused by the lack of caffeine, or the copious amounts of alcohol the night before, she figured her best approach would be coffee. Pouring herself a large cup, she leant forward, her elbows resting on the counter. Staring into the black liquid in front of her, she toyed with the idea of sending Callie a message. 

She felt bad for asking her ex wife to leave earlier in the morning. After thinking things over during her long shower, she knew that she was only there to try and help her.Sure, there may of been a slight feeling of guilt in the brunette’s reasons, but she stayed nonetheless. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Callie stepped inside from the yard. Eyes widening as she watched her ex wife leaning forward against the kitchen counter with her back to her, the brunettes breath hitched. Yes, she may of picked the blonde up from the floor the previous night, looking awful, but right now, she had never seen a more beautiful sight.

Eyes roaming over every inch of Arizona’s body, Callie knew she had been working out. She looked amazing, and as she glared at the toned shoulders and back of her ex wife, she swallowed hard. “H-Hey.” she managed to croak out.

Spinning around suddenly, Arizona was shocked to find Callie was still in her home. Blue eyes locked onto chocolate brown, no words where spoken. Blue eyes glistened as the blonde felt her tears threatening to fall. Clearing her throat, she dropped her gaze. “Callie, why are you still here?”

“Because we need to talk, Arizona.” the brunette gave her a sad smile.

“I know, but you really don't have to be here. I’m a mess, Callie.” the blonde sighed as the words left her lips. “I don’t expect you to fix me. You made it clear a while ago that you didn't want that anymore.”

“I do have to be here. There are some things I need to say to you, i-if you’ll hear me out?” Callie couldn't help but notice the ripped stomach of her ex wife. Arizona had always looked after her body, but this, this was something else. 

“Okay.” the blonde slowly nodded as she continued to stare into her coffee cup. “I, um, just let me change first.” she placed her coffee cup on the counter and moved away.

Stopped by a strong hand on her wrist, the blonde looked up into dark brown pools. “Don’t. D-Don’t change. You look fine.”

She knew that look. That look had gotten her and Callie into many a compromising situation in the past, and as much as she loved the thought that her ex wife still looked at her like that, it was inappropriate. Callie was involved with someone else, and Arizona didn't need a quick lay to make her feel better. Why on earth would she be looking at me like that. Get a grip, Robbins. She just doesn't want you to disappear and avoid the conversation. 

“I’ll just be a minute, Callie.” Arizona stepped away from her ex wife and gave her an awkward smile. She was willing to hear the brunette out, and surprisingly, she was looking forward to what she had to say, but she had to do it in more appropriate clothing. 

Fuck! What is wrong with you, Torres. Callie felt a light blush rise to her face. She knew Arizona had caught her checking out her body, but then to tell her not to change, that was a step too far. Wondering if this was even a good idea, she thought about grabbing her purse and leaving. Arizona doesn't need me looking at her like some sort of pervert right now. She has enough to deal with. Idiot. As Callie stepped out of the kitchen and grabbed her things, Arizona reappeared. 

“So, let’s talk.” the blonde gave an uncertain smile as she zipped up her hoody. 

“Um, yeah. Talk. Right!” Callie turned around and dropped her purse. 

“Wait, where you about to leave?” Arizona furrowed her brow “It’s okay, you can go. I was going to work out anyway.” she unzipped her hoody and removed it, opening the refrigerator, she pulled out a bottle of water and shrugged. 

In that moment, as the brunette was deciding how to respond to her ex wife, the thought of her working out, coupled with the tight vest top she was wearing, caused her body temperature to rise. “No, wait. I’m sorry. I just, I-I’m not sure I should be here right now.”

“Callie, it’s fine. When you are ready to talk, give me a call.” the blonde moved closer to her ex wife and stepped around her to place her hand on the door handle. 

“God, would you put that fucking hoody back on. Please? We will talk, I'm sorry.” Callie sighed.

“Um, okay, What’s wrong?” Arizona quickly realised that her questions could of had hundreds of answers. She stepped back over to the kitchen and shrugged on her hoody. “Why are you so strange all of a sudden?” 

“I’m not, I-I just, would you zip that up please.” The brunette pointed as the grey hoody which was about to hug her ex wife’s body. 

“Huh? Oh!” Arizona’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I know I haven't been looking after myself, but I’ll get there.” the blonde dropped her bottle of water and quickly zipped up her clothing. 

“What? No. Thats not what I mean’t, Arizona.” Callie shook her head. “You look amazing and I can’t sit her talking to you, while you look like that.” 

So I was right. She does still find me attractive. I knew it. Arizona had a confused look on her face. She wondered if her ex wife had other reasons for being in her home right now, but deciding to give her the benefit of the doubt, she nodded, and gave her a thankful smile. “While I'm totally flattered by what you have just said, Callie, it can’t happen. While I may of ruined our relationship, I won’t allow myself to ruin yours and Penny’s” 

“I know.” the brunette ran her fingers through her hair. “I know and I’m sorry. You just, I didn't expect you to look so freaking good.” She planned on telling Arizona that she and Penny were no longer together, but she wasn't sure now was a good time. Not now that she had basically just hit on her. 

“Okay, enough of that, seriously.” the blonde smiled. “What did you want to speak to me about?” 

Moving back over to the kitchen, Callie slid up onto a stool and motioned for Arizona to join her. She had so much she wanted to say to her ex wife, but she didn't know where to start. So, she decided to start at the best place she knew, and that was with an apology. “I, um, I have a lot of things I want to say you to you, Arizona, and I want you to just sit and listen, please?” 

Gaining a simple nod from the blonde who was now sitting next to her, Callie gave herself a minute to allow her words to come out right. She needed Arizona to not only hear what she was saying, but to truly feel it and take it all in. 

“Arizona, I never, ever wanted any of this to happen. I know I have told you that, but I need you to believe me. What happened in that courtroom, was wrong. Totally wrong, and what she said about you, I had no part in whatsoever. I couldn't believe you just walked out. At first, I thought you were just trying to put on a show, and I know that was wrong of me, but I didn't know how else to take it. It just, well, It wasn't you. That wasn't the Arizona I fell in love with, it wasn't the Arizona I married, and what you are doing to yourself right now, isn't the Arizona I wanted to spend my entire life with.” Sensing that the blonde was about to interrupt her, the brunette held up a hand and continued. 

“I never should of taken Sofia away, but you just vanished. I came here you know, that night. I needed to speak to you, but you had gone. I called, I left messages, but nothing. It was like you didn't exist anymore. I was so worried, but then I became angry. I was angry at you, for walking away, and then when I really thought about it, I was angry at myself. You didn't walk away, I did. I walked away from you, I left you in that room, I walked away.” Callie rubbed her forehead. She didn't want to upset herself, or Arizona, but it was too late. It was too late to stop talking. She finally had the blonde sat down, and now, she wasn't letting her go without finishing what she had started. 

“I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't argue with you, I couldn't see us both being miserable, and I truly believed I had to let you go. For you. Not for me, but for you. You weren't happy with me, Arizona. We both know that. A-And I know you hate me, god even I hate me, but please, I need for you to believe that I am truly sorry. I need for you to stop doing this to yourself. Hurting yourself, and disrespecting yourself.”

“I know that this is all my doing. Yes, you slept with another woman, and that was something I thought I could never forgive you for, but I have. When I look back at how broken you were from the plane crash, I know that I pushed you too much. I didn't let you come to terms with what had happened, what you had lost, and how your life had changed. Our life had changed.” Callie gave the blonde a sad smile. “You are Sofia’s mother, you always will be, and there is no way I will let anyone else tell you different. Arizona, please look at me.”

Pulling her hoody closer to her body, Arizona looked up and met the gaze of her ex wife. She had never expected Callie to say the things she had, but here she was, pouring her heart out, for probably the first time ever. “Arizona, we didn't communicate, that was our problem, or my problem. We done this all wrong, completely wrong. I have to make this right. I cannot let you torture yourself any longer. You have to realise your worth, Arizona. I would never, ever have another child with anyone else. What we had, God, it was amazing. It was everything I could of ever wanted, and you are Sofia’s mother just as much as I am.”

“You truly mean that?” the blonde sobbed as she dropped her gaze back down to the worktop in front of her. “Callie, you cant come here and say these things and then just leave again, you cant expect me to just be fine, and then watch you take Sofia away again.”

Bringing her hand forward, the brunette cupped her ex wife’s chin, and lifted her head to meet her gaze. “Arizona, I’m sorry. Truly sorry. I will spend the rest of my life telling you that if that is what you want, but you have to believe that I am sorry. I would never come here and apologise, and then just walk away. “

“I didn't want to exist.” Arizona spoke barely above a whisper. “I’m not even sure if I want to now.” 

“Huh?” the brunette furrowed her brow.

“You said it was like I didn't exist. That is how I wanted it to be. I didn't want to be here anymore.” 

“Oh, Arizona. Please, don't say that. Sofia needs you. I need you.” Callie ran her thumb along a pale tear stained cheek. 

“You don’t need me, Callie. No one needs me. I’m barely hanging on, Callie. Its bad.” Arizona wrapped her arms around herself and shook herself away from the brunettes touch. “You hurt me, so much, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with the pain. I just, it stops it. The drinking, it stops the pain. That is how pathetic I've become. I can’t deal with my problems without alcohol. I’m horrible.” 

Callie let her tears fall, she had never heard her ex wife talk about herself in this way. The Arizona she knew would openly admit that she was hot, that she was wanted, but now, she was just a shell. 

“I cannot bare to lose her again, Callie. I’d say I couldn't bare to lose you again too, but I lost you a long time ago.” Arizona scoffed. “I lost you long before all of this. I have never felt so alone in my life, not even when I lost my brother. I feel like I have no reason to be here. Like, what is the point? What is the point in me, even being here. Theres nothing here for me. Y-You have Penny and Sofia with you, I have nothing. Literally nothing.”

“Arizo-“ Callie was cut off. She desperately wanted to tell her ex wife that Penny was no longer a part of the plan. The second her girlfriend had suggested that she didn't want Sofia in New York, was the moment she knew they would never work out. She wondered why Penny hadn't been honest from the beginning, but right now, that didn't matter. 

“I think you need to leave now, Callie.” Arizona stood from the stool and moved away from the brunette. 

“No, Arizona. Please, come back and sit down.” Callie followed the blonde into the living room. “Please, Arizona.” the brunette took a hold of her shoulder and turned her around.

“Leave, Callie. I can’t do this.” the blonde moved back. The longer she was around Callie, the more she wanted her ex wife to hold her. She wanted her to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. She wanted her family back. 

“Do what?” Callie frowned.

“This, with you. I can’t be around you, Callie. Its too hard. I have lost the two most important people in my life, and nothing will ever be the same.” Arizona threw her arms around the open space in front of them both, her voice rising by the second. “I have nothing left. I have no one.”

Taking a strong grip on the blondes wrists, Callie tried to put a stop to her ex wife’s rant. “Arizo-“

“No, Callie. NO! You have to leave, right now.” 

“Oh and what? Watch you drink yourself to fucking death? I don't think so.” Callie maintained her grip on the blondes wrists. 

“LEAVE!” 

“NO! NO, Arizona!” 

“Why? Why won’t you just leave me alone.” Arizona continued to scream and yell at her ex wife. “Why can’t you just leave and mind your own business, Callie.”

“Because I fucking love you, Arizona.” Both women froze. Callie was being truthful with her ex wife, more truthful than she had been in a long time, but she didn't mean for those words to come out in a slanging match. She wanted to sit the blonde down and explain everything to her and then tell her how she felt. 

Arizona couldn't move, she couldn't feel, and she couldn't think right now. Her ex wife couldn't of just spoken the words she had longed to hear since their marriage ended. She couldn't of. That kind of luck didn't happen to the blonde lately. Mouth agape, with her wrists still being held by the brunette, Arizona glared. Hard. 

“Arizona, please sit down. I wanted to talk all of this through with you, but you are just so fucking stubborn sometimes.” Callie pleaded. 

“I, um, I have to go. I have to, uh” Arizona shook her head and dropped her arms from in front of her. “I can’t-“ 

The blonde made her way down the hall and slammed her bedroom door shut. She couldn't understand why her ex wife had just told her she loved her. Was it to calm her down? Was it because it was what she thought Arizona wanted to hear? Needed to hear? Arizona had never fallen out of love with Callie, but she had assumed that the brunette had moved on and was happy. Surely she was happy, she had just moved to another state to be with her new girlfriend. She had just uprooted her daughter and took her away. How could she possibly still love Arizona, having done all of that? The blonde sat back against the top of her bed and wondered what the hell her life was becoming. 

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Hearing the footsteps coming down the hallway, she held her breath. This was not in her therapy session’s, and right now, she didn't know what the hell was going on, or what the hell she was supposed to do. 

“Arizona?” the brunette slowly pushed the door open.

“Go away, Calliope.” Arizona whispered as she pulled her leg up to her chest. She needed to feel comfort, and it was the best thing she had right now. 

“Please, Arizona, don't push me away, I need to explain myself.” 

“Oh, you think?” the blonde snorted “How could you do what you have just done?” 

“What?” Callie stepped inside the room and closed the door behind her.

“You cant just tell me you love me to calm me down. That is not right, Callie.” Arizona held onto her own body. “Y-You can’t come into my house and feed me lies to stop me from hitting rock bottom. I've already reached rock bottom so at least I know you cant hurt me anymore than you already have with your words.”

“Arizona, I wasn't lying to you. I meant everything I said.” 

“Yeah, sure you did. Why would you come here and tell me you love me when you don’t?” blue eyes locked onto brown.

“Because I do. I never stopped loving you, Arizona. I tried so hard to not love you, but we have been through too much to just stop loving each other. You know that.” Callie fixed her gaze. “No one will ever compare to you, and I don't know why I tried to fight it so much. I wanted to hate you, for sleeping with Lauren, but when I figured out your reasons for doing it, I couldn't hate you. So I just, I tried to take control of my life, without you in it, and it was hard. It was horrible.”

“Callie, why did you put us through everything that has happened lately? Why did you want to go to New York, with your girlfriend and our daughter if it all meant nothing?” 

“S-She’s not my girlfriend.” Callie gave a sad smile before sitting down beside the blonde. 

“What do you mean? You live with her, Callie. You took my daughter away from me, to be with her!” Arizona could feel the anger rising inside. 

“W-We split up before I came here. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't want you thinking I was only here because of that. I was coming to see you anyway.” Callie’s voice broke. She knew exactly how this would look to Arizona. 

“So, your telling me, you came back here, for me? You dragged me and my name through the shit, only to come back here for me?” the blonde couldn't believe what she was hearing. 

“I’m sorry, Arizona. I don't know what I was thinking. Once i’d ended our marriage, I tried to move on. I thought I would look pretty fucking stupid if I didn't and now, I just look stupid anyway. I never wanted any of this, but when you said you were taking me to court, I freaked. I figured I had to follow through with it. You were over me, so there was no point in trying to work things out with you. I thought it was too late.”

“I never stopped loving you, Calliope. Never.” Arizona’s words barely came out. Turning her back, she lay down and faced the wall. “Never.”

“Please don't turn your back on me.” Callie sobbed. “Arizona?”

Arizona couldn't speak to her ex wife right now. Too much was going through her mind, and she just wanted to sleep. Feeling the bed move beside her, she froze. Instead of feeling the brunette’s presence closer to her, she suddenly felt the immense loss of it. 

“I’ll go.” Callie sighed. “I’m sorry for everything, Arizona. I hope one day you can forgive me.” 

Hearing the door close, Arizona sobbed. Never had she felt such mixed emotions, and right now, she didn't know what was real. Callie had just told her she loved her, and although they were the only words she wanted to ever hear from Callie, she couldn't take them in right now. She needed time. A whole lot of time.


End file.
